Solution for Relationship Problems

Better Business Family Relationships

2010-02-21T01:11:00.000-08:00

By Rhonda Wudarczyk

How important is it to have better business family relationships in your business? When I am talking about "family", I really am not talking about your sister, brother, mother, or father type of family. I am talking about have family-like relationships in your business.

We hear it all the time that building relationships is key to the success you will have in the future. If you burn to many bridges and aren't truthful with your prospects/clients, they won't trust you or turn to you when they need to. You may have the key to a health issue of theirs or the answer to some business question they may have, but if they don't trust and like you, they won't come to you.

When deciding how you want a relationship to go ask yourself if you could stand being on a week long vacation with the person. There are types of personalities that just don't get along sometimes. We have to decided who to let in our lives. Please don't just let someone in to get their business, more than likely you won't want to talk to them much after you do, this isn't fair to them or you. You also want to have a mutual respect for each other and a good trust factor, you want to trust them as much as they want to trust you!

Building a relationship takes work, you need to have genuine care for a person. You don't have to know every detail, but you might want to take notes on some details. Is the person married? Have any kids? What type of take out do they like best? Honestly it doesn't matter what you find out about them, just remember it so that you can mention it the next time you chat, that brings on some major brownie points in a beginning relationship. People like to be remembered. They want to know that they aren't just another number to you. They want to know that you will be there for them when they need you.

Everyone in any type of business can have better success if they treat their prospect/client good. That is why, in my opinion, building better business family relationships is so very important. Your attitude is very important as well.
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The Psychology of Long Distance Relationships

2010-02-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

By Debbie Anderson

Why do long distance relationships seem to be more passionate than other types? Psychologists say that it is human nature to want what we can't have. Throw a little sexual desire into that mix and you have the kind of romantic and sexual angst that is the stuff of great romance and literature.

Suddenly, unlike the banality of every day relationships, you can find yourself in an epic personal drama filled with the anticipation of seeing your long lost partner once again. This sounds good, but is it actually a healthy, practical way to conduct a relationship?

Of course, aside from being tantalized by the promise of love that shines so distantly on the horizon, there are many other very pragmatic reasons why you could find yourself suddenly in a long distance relationship.

Common Scenarios

A very common scenario are the young lovers who are forced to call it quits because they end up attending different colleges in different cities, states, or even continents. Debt, fame, ailing spouses, war, disease, responsibilities towards an ex spouse or children, career obligations, can separate people. There are a million reasons why one can be forced to say good-bye but does it have to be forever?

The first thing to understand is that a relationship that is conducted across great distances does not necessarily qualify as a relationship in the ordinary sense. For instance, if a girl has been dating a guy for four years and he suddenly decides to travel across Europe with nothing but a backpack and pocket change to find himself, where does this leave her?

Rather than ever be left wondering it is crucial for the two of you to establish some rules and boundaries around the relationship long before anyone starts packing. It is not going to work if you are still trying to figure out "where you stand" in the relationship as your loved one is boarding the plane.

First of all there must be some kind of mutual agreement that you are in a long distance relationship and that there should be no infidelity. If you are the guy, you can cement the relationship by sticking that ring on her fourth finger. If she doesn't agree to keep her options closed when it comes to seeing other people then you definitely know where you stand. If you are a woman and dealing with a partner who cannot give you a straight answer as to what there might be in the future the thing to say is "I might wait for a few days, or even a few years, but I am not going to wait forever!"

Many long distance relationships fail because of mixed messages from one partner or the other. Usually one person believes that the "out of sight, out of mind" rule applies and that while there is distance between you "anything goes!" The other party in the relationship might believe the opposite (that absence makes the heart grow fonder) and then get a rude shock when they don't receive emails or phone calls or do receive one that describes a budding new romance.

The rule of thumb is to establish the ground rules before this type of scenario is allowed to blossom. You need to agree on how much you are going to communicate with each other and which rule applies best "out of sight, out of mind" or "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Establishing Ground Rules

Before you are separated by distance you have three basic things you need to ask each other so that you can figure out well in advance what actually constitutes a betrayal according to the rules of your long distance relationship.

1. Are we going to be faithful to each other?

2. Are we allowed to have sex with other people, but remain in faithful in our hearts?

3. Does this separation allow us to explore other relationship options?

One option is to keep everything the way it is -- whether you are five miles or 5,000 miles away from each other. This way of thinking is very popular among young lovebirds, who have difficulty believing that their relationship could ever end. They tend to believe that physical space between them will not affect the solidity of the relationship because their "undying" love for each other can surpass the seemingly small obstacle of distance. Unfortunately, this is not an option that often allows the other person their essential humanity and it is a point of view that is considered immature by counselors or psychiatrists.

The "nothing has changed" approach is often a position of denial. Lots has changed, you are not together physically anymore! Usually this type of denial applies to high school sweethearts who are separated because of the necessity of attending different colleges. If one or the other partner slips up due to temptation (all it takes is a boozy night and a one-night stand) it is way too easy for the other partner to take it personally.

The above example tells us that one of the keys to keeping a long distance relationship is to keep your expectations realistic. Know your partner by clearly communicating with him or her, but also, make sure that you know thyself! Know what you can tolerate and what is acceptable to you. Long distance relationships that are based on humoring the other person or making promises that you can't keep simply don't work. This will spare you the feelings of betrayal, suspicion and jealousy that often set in after a couple of months of being apart. Unfortunately the sad truth about most long distance relationships is that they don't make the heart grow fonder, they make the heart grow harder.For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

Instant Long Distance Relationship Advice You Can Use to Get Back Together Now!

2010-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

By Pierre Kitts

Long distance relationships are usually difficult, complicated, and tend to fail over the long term. Despite these odds, if you can keep it real and on track, you will do fine. Any relationship requires dedication, and at times long distance relationship advice is a plus. Long distance romances need more work, as well as consideration and much more open lines of communication. Now quite honestly these two principles are very difficult for the majority of individuals. The following steps, can help you maintain a great relationship despite the distance.

If you did not set boundaries at the start of your relationship, perhaps this is a good time to do so. At least now you know where you stand. Boundaries become the corner stone of any relationship. Obviously, if your relationship is serious, monogamy will be an integral part of your discussion on boundaries, and you should openly discuss it so that both of you are on the same page.

Other pertinent long distance relationship advice, is to have trust in your partner. If you are already aware of the fact that you or your partner is the jealous type, then a long distance relationship will be difficult. You will have to work on the trust factor, and become much more confident in one and others love for each other.

If some issues have recently arisen, the willingness to work on them immediately, can have a big impact on your day to day relationship. Most relationships can bring about baggage from old relations, old friends, as well as your past lifestyle.

Perhaps communication was an issue in your long distance relationship. You should set up a set time weekly, or even daily, to stay in touch. Today, with the way technology has propagated, a small text message can go a long way. At present, it's much easier to communicate, and a key piece of long distance relationship advice, is to set up a web cam, as well as a VOIP Internet phone line. They are inexpensive, and usually long distance charges are free, if both of you are subscribed.

If one, or both of you, have been too busy with work. Doing some small things, can truly swing the tide when you are in a relationship. Send an ecard, a special small gift, & don't forget those anniversaries and events, both of you have planned. These little notes or special offerings that you do, take on even more importance in a long distance relationship.

If the lines of communication have not exactly been open, try to open them up. Make an effort to be truthful, and discuss issues as they arise with your partner, as both of your needs are probably changing. As you both grow, and evolve in this relationship, some long distance relationship advice, would be to discuss past boundaries and limitations, depending on where you are both at, in the relationship at this time.

Make plans now to see each other again. If both of you have quite a distance to travel, it would be best to start looking into the financial aspect of how much you will have to save to get to see each other once again. Planning is the key here. Both of you should openly, and, honestly discuss the future with one another, and always Love one another despite the distance between you.
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How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship - 4 Tips You Need to Help Make Your Relationship Last

2010-02-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

By Shana Leann

A relationship can sometimes be difficult to cope with; even harder when it's a long distance relationship. Sometimes you just can't help your feelings. Whether you're in a situation where you and your high school sweetheart are going to different colleges, your college love is away for the summer, your spouse is off fighting in a war or you just found someone online you can't live without, you're probably wondering, "How to survive a long distance relationship?" While it's not the easiest to do, it is possible to survive months (or years) away from your significant other and still have a love that grows strong. Countless couples have survived these types of relationships using the following four tips.

Tip 1 - Patience
Probably one of the hardest values to learn is patience especially in a long distance relationship. People, or rather couples, understand this notion better when they are closer together. In these relationships, you don't exactly get that luxury. Patience means having understanding for little intricacies your significant other might have.

Tip 2 - Don't Be Clingy
The main difference between a long distance relationship and a normal relationship is that you don't see each other all the time you want. You may spend every moment you can talking on the phone or online. Unfortunately, this can appear extremely clingy especially if you start sending text messages constantly wondering who your significant other is with, what he/she is doing, when he/she will be around to talk to you again, etc. Relationships often fall apart for this very reason. Just because you don't see each other every day doesn't mean your significant other has to spend all of his/her time talking to you. He/she still has a life to live outside of his/her online relationship right now.

Tip 3 - Don't Forget
While there's the possibility of being too clingy, on the flip side of it is the realization that you have freedoms besides getting the benefits of being a couple. Do not start dating someone else just because your mate is not going to find out. If you're not ready to make a commitment, don't think about having a long distance relationship; it will never work. You still need to make time for the relationship just as if your boyfriend/girlfriend lived down the block. Relationships take consideration and if you're not considerate enough to spend time chatting with your long distance fling then you need to let it go.

Tip 4 - Perseverance
Last but not least you need to have the perseverance for a long distance relationship. What this means is that you are willing to put work towards your relationship. Sometimes it's easier to leave a long distance relationship because your mate isn't there. However, don't try to back out of a relationship (any relationship) just because there are a few rocks along the path. Relationships take work and a relationship across the miles takes even more work. If you're willing to put forth the effort, you're going to find it's easier to survive the distance.

Many long distance relationships have folded in on themselves because people don't know how to deal with being away from someone they love for long periods of time. If you really ask yourself, "How to survive a long distance relationship?" be ready to receive answers and put those answers to the test. You will find your relationship lasts and both you and your mate are happier for it.
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Long Distance Relationships - Do They Work?

2010-02-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

By M Farmer

Everyone has been in one, and either they loved it or they hated it. Long distance relationships. Can they work, are they worth it, how do you instill trust, where is the sense of commitment. These are all questions that we ask ourselves when we are in a long distance relationship. Here we will go over a few ways you can make your long distance relationship last, until it can blossom into a relationship where you are closer, both geographically, and physically.

First, lets look at a few of the pros and cons of long distance relationships. Sometimes distance is good for couples, and for others it is the main problem. If you are the type of person that does not want to spend every waking moment with your partner then long distance relationships are a perfect match for you. However, you may find yourself asking, why do I not want to spend time with this person, are they really right for me? Do not waste your time with long distance relationships, if you are simply using them as a crutch to keep the level of commitment low.

Intimacy is a problem with these types of relationships as well. Sometimes you do not feel a great connection with your partner if you cannot see them, touch them, or make love to them. This is a true test that you will have to overcome. The whole point to a long distance relationship is at one point in time you will want to see each other everyday, and let your relationship grow into what most people consider a normal relationship. Lets save what a normal relationship is for the next article.

Now even though you may feel disconnected form your partner, when you do finally get those times to spend together, you cherish them at a deeper level, and they always feel better then if you saw each other everyday. There is no time for fighting or arguing because you know your time together is short, and so you make the most out of it.

The truth is that long distance relationships work, if you let them. Follow these few suggestions to keep your relationship on track.

First, and this may seem like common sense, you have to have an attraction to each other. A physical attraction is not enough. There must be some sort of emotional attachment for this to work.

Second, you both need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This means that you both have to believe that one day you will be together, and it is a common goal that you are working towards. You just have something that has happened in life that is keeping you apart, for now. Perhaps you are waiting for a transfer, or maybe you are going to school, and have to wait until you graduate to make any commitments. As much as I believe in miracles, you cannot just hope for the best. You need to communicate about this issue, rather then just brushing it under the rug.

Thirdly, you both need to see each other on a regular basis. Have a date set that you go out and see each other, once a month, or as time permits. Once a month is a good model to live by. Unless you live in another country, but in that case you need to be more crafty in how you develop the relationship. You need to create a connection, that is usually done on a physical level, but somehow doing it from miles away. You can watch a movie together online, or read the same book at night and talk about t on the phone. Share your dreams, and goals with each other. These things trick the mind into feeling closer then you may think you are.

Fourth, communication is everything. In long distance relationships, communication means even more then it does in your average relationship. The great thing is that there is many lines of communication these days. You have many options with the Internet and phone, as to how you want to communicate. Skype is a great option as you can see and hear each other, and it is very inexpensive. However, keep things interesting by writing letters, sending pictures, flowers, and candy to keep things alive.

Fifth, since communication plays a vital role, make sure you write a lot. Whether you are writing a letter or composing an email, be honest, be straight forward. Tell them everything you need that person to know about you that you would otherwise tell them in a normal conversation. If you had a dream, tell them about it. Whatever you do, do not lie about who you are, or pretend to be someone you are not.

Sixth, stay away form jealousy. Long distance relationships are scary in that you have to put your entire trust in that person. Everyone is insecure, but when that turns to jealousy the relationship is weakened. It does not hurt to show that you have feelings when someone flirts with your partner, or shows interest, but do not go crazy, and start a fight over it.

Seventh, be courteous to your partner, and try to avoid situations that may spark infidelity, or jealousy. Remember, that even though it is a long distance relationships, you are committed to each other, and so if you would not like it if they went to wild parties then perhaps you should not go to them either. This is a double standard if you go, and expect them not to, so be open with each other about your boundaries.

Eighth, have faith in each other, and in your relationship. If you think things will not work then you are working towards a filing relationship. Just because you hear others say that these relationships do not work, does not mean your will not. Have faith in your partner, and wish for the best.

Ninth, positive thinking can be the make it or break it point in your relationship. You need to stay positive, and this will come across in your tone of voice, and your behaviors. In long distance relationships it is difficult to know what one another is thinking, and it is even harder to interpret tat over an email. So if you think positively and it comes across to your partner things will work in your favor.

tenth, have fun. Just like in any relationship you need to enjoy yourself. Perhaps this is not your life partner, but who is to say that until you have had a bit of fun together. For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work For You

2010-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

By Deborah L Dixon

Long distance relationships can be just as successful as a relationship where the two people involved are together on a daily basis. Everyone is different and some adapt well to long distance relationships whereas others are unable to cope. It often comes down to your upbringing. Being raised in a close family where both parents were always about could mean that you won't cope well to living a long way from your partner. Alternatively being brought up with only one parent or in a family where relatives were absent regularly, then you will probably handle a long distance relationship well. However a long distance relationship establishes it is down to both people involved to keep the relationship alive.

The two main factors in maintaining a healthy long distance relationships is, trust and communication. Without these your relationship will most certainly suffer. Trust pays a huge part in any relationship. In a relationship without trust you usually have jealously. Trying to survive in a long distance relationship with jealousy and lack of trust is practically impossible. You will constantly be checking up on your partner, worrying about what they are doing and who they are doing things with. You may even find yourself being the partner being checked up on. Knowing your partner doesn't trust you is disheartening, especially if you have given them no reason to do so. The last thing you want in a long distance relationship is interrogation; you need reassurance and affection instead.

Communication is vital for a long distance relationship to work. You must understand how each partner is feeling and try to resolve any issues. Ask your partner how they feel and ask about the future. Don't be scared to ask questions, after all it is your relationship too. Knowing where you stand will help you to sort out your perspective for the future and prevent any confusion further down the line. Instead of assuming that you are exclusive to each other and that you will one day live together again or even for the first time, make sure you have discussed this, or you may find yourself waiting for that perfect relationship that just won't happen.

During a long distance relationship make sure that you communicate on a regular basis, ideally on a daily basis. It isn't always possible to talk on the phone everyday, but there are other ways to make contact. Send a text message, write a letter, send an email, send a recent photo and even send a present. Try to meet up as often as you can and once planned, stick to the arrangements. Sharing the same experience simultaneously is a great idea to make you feel closer, such as watching the same television programme or film; you can then discuss your viewings together afterwards. This is just one way to make it feel like you still have a connection together. Another idea is to stargaze at the same time, which in itself is romantic. Your aim is to keep the emotional connection alive and keep the relationship healthy.

Having a positive outlook on your long distance relationship will help you partner to stay positive and feel secure. If you are determined to make a long distance relationship work for you then there is no reason at all why distance between you and your partner can prevent your relationship from working; it is all about personal perspective, trust and good communication.
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Can You Be in a Long Distance Relationships While Studying at College Or University?

2010-02-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

By Ben Black

College and university is a time of major change for those who only recently were pondering what life would be like outside of their high school walls. Expectations run high, and many previous familiarities will be left behind for new experiences. This may or may not include high school sweethearts. For those who decide to stay together even though they must say goodbye and begin long distance relationships, the time ahead will put their relationship to the test. But there many other reasons why long distance relationships have become more common during the time spent at college or university - some have met their partner from out of town online, at a party, concert, or through involvement in certain activities. In fact [according to a 2002 study by a large US southeastern university of approximately 450 university students(1)], between 25-35% of college relationships were long distance. It can be a very rewarding bond if you have found that special person worth making the effort for. After all, just because the meeting occurred when the geography was not ideal does not mean the people involved are not going to be ideal together. For those who choose to accept and overcome the challenges of being in an long distance relationship, some realities must be faced. Examples include lack of support from friends and family who doubt the relationship chances, an inability to have the desired physical connection, time differences where partners are on different sides of the world etc. Approximately 1 in 5 long distance relationships will last until the end of university, but these figures are not very different to those for proximal relationships .

Those pursuing a higher education whilst maintaining a distance relationship must realize that their education is going to be the base of any life they form together once the separation is over, and should be respected as such. Skipping classes, and foregoing assignments because you cannot bear to be apart is ultimately going to make life much harder for both people if tertiary education fails, and jobs are scarce. If the people involved in long distance relationships are serious about a future together, there must be a mutual understanding about time commitments to schooling, as well as one another. There are certainly going to be many nights when sleep is calling after a day of labs, lectures and projects, but this is often the only time that can be given to chatting on the phone, discussing each others days and feeling closer. After all, it is nights like these that coffee was invented for! Mark L said "We had a time every night that we spoke on the phone or exchanged text messages, no matter what. Jess always knew she would hear from me, and I think that made her feel better." The effort will likely not go unnoticed, and sends the very affectionate message that despite the long day, being able to talk was too important to forgo.

Communication is the life blood of an online or long distance relationship. Failure to reach out amplifies distance, when the goal is always to minimize it. Phone calls, instant messaging, texts and even handwritten letters or packages reach across any distance to touch the heart. Approximately 10% of college students in long distance relationships are able to see their partners regularly ; therefore the remaining 90% must make up for this absence with communication. Exchanging schedules and class times is a great way to ensure there isn't confusion about how each person is spending their time. Being forthright about who your friends are and introducing them if possible will also go a long way to cutting down jealousy and suspicion. When a partner understands that friends are not a threat, it decreases the chances that there will be arguments about them.

For many students, taking on a job is part of the school experience in order to meet demands of rising education costs, but also, to enable payment of long distance phone bills! There are the rare occasions when couples may be given the opportunity to have a weekend or more off from both school and work during reading weeks and holidays. If constant communication is the life blood of a long distance relationship, then taking advantage of these free times is the heart. Having a healthy dose of time together is invaluable to distance relationships, and gives the couple that boost of energy required to face the distance once again until the next time they can be together.

College and University is a time of change and growth in all aspects of life. There may be temptations outside of the distance relationship, which is why establishing and developing honesty and trust is key between partners. Having a clear idea of what is acceptable when faced with many new choices and experiences (and there will be many!) is the best way to get through a long distance relationship without feeling as though anything has been compromised. If it is too difficult for one or both people to maintain some code of conduct for their partners sake, the partners should consider whether the timing of the relationship is wrong, or whether the relationship itself is simply not right for an individual person. However, there will be other times when you have found that special someone, and no amount of distance or compromise will get in the way.
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Long Distance Relationship - Am I Right For It?

2010-01-31T15:12:00.000-08:00

By Leon Louw

How to know if you have what it takes

Go and ask Michael Jordan. He'll tell you to just do it.

No, seriously, there really isn't any other way to find out if you will be able to do it. The only thing you can do is have yourself better prepared for what lies ahead once you are in a long distance relationship.

To be quite honest, I believe that everybody has the potential to make a long distance relationship work. Go to a forum and ask a simple question like: Do you think you can have a long distance relationship? I'd bet you that at least half the people responding would say no. Some would even try and persuade you that long distance relationships don't work. They've been proven wrong time after time, so I prefer not to even enter a discussion with people like that.

It has been said that if you surround yourself with the negative messages from negative people all the time, you will become negative. It's probably been proven by somebody somewhere, but I don't need proof of it, it sounds like common sense and that is enough.

I would agree that some people will find it very hard to be in a long distance relationship. For others, it may be quite easy. So how do you become someone that can do a long distance relationship?

Becoming a long distance relationship survivor
Getting your mindset right
I personally think it comes down to commitment. You have to commit yourself to making a long distance relationship work. In fact, you have to commit yourself to making any relationship work. Long distance relationships aren't really that different from normal relationships. The temptations and frustrations aren't really bigger, they're just different. Once you wrap your head around that concept, you're already halfway towards making a success of your long distance relationship.

Do a search on ezine articles for an article called Communication, Commitment and Trust that I posted on here recently. It will help you a lot.

Read that article, and get you mindset geared towards making a long distance relationship work. Next, you will have to get your life geared towards making a long distance relationship possible.

Getting your life right
You now have to think long distance relationship. If you're not yet in a long distance relationship, but heading towards one (maybe your partner is leaving soon to go and work somewhere else?) you have a great opportunity to start it right first time. If you're already in a long distance relationship, don't despair. Most of the things you need to do, you will probably do correctly instinctively. You need to be prepared for quite a lot of things. This list is in no way exhaustive. Your specific situation may have a lot more variables. When heading into a long distance relationship, you should think about:

- How are you going to communicate

- How often are you going to communicate

- When are you going to see each other again

- How will you keep yourself occupied

How are you going to communicate
You should sort it out beforehand. For instance, where I am now, in the bush, there are no telephone lines. There are cell phone towers, but to phone internationally with them is very expensive. Luckily we have a satellite internet connection, so we can use VOIP (skype, etc.) to communicate. What mode of communication will you use?

How often are you going to communicate
Set out specific times when you will be contacting each other. It helps to gives you some kind of structure in your life to hold on to, and gives you something to look forward to.

When are you going to see each other again
Obviously as soon as possible, but have you planned it out yet? When is it going to be? How are you going to get together? It's fun to plan out your get-togethers, and it helps you to realize you'll soon be seeing each other again.

How will you keep yourself occupied
Remember, if you're new to this, you will suddenly find yourself with a lot more time on your hands. You don't want to be using that time negatively by becoming depressed about being alone. If you need to, you can even sign up for an evening class in something you've always wanted to do. Make the most out of the bad situation by making the most out of your own talents.

In conclusion, I would say you are probably right for a long distance relationship. Nobody likes them, and everybody would like to avoid them if they can, but unfortunately that isn't always an option. Give it a shot - you'll be surprised to find out your own strength.For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

How a Long Distance Relationship Has Been Successful For 2 People Not Cut-Out For Long Distance

2010-01-28T15:09:00.000-08:00

By Michelle F.

When I tell people that I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, I am often asked the question, "How do you do it?" Quite frankly, I do not know how I have done it myself without becoming bald from ripping my own hair out.

Somehow, some way, my boyfriend and I have managed to stay together when we only see each other every 1-2 months. Being together is to say the least, AWESOME. We just cannot get enough of each other. These precious times together always seem much too short, and we both dread the long wait until we see each other again.

Everything about being together means so much. Holding hands--which I think many couples take for granted if they can see each other everyday--is something I appreciate with every ounce of me; like you cannot imagine. In long distance relationships, that element of touch is always missing for great spans of time, and I just cannot get enough of it when we get to be together. I appreciate the togetherness, and miss it so much when we cannot have it.

When we part our ways and go back to our respective homes, the magic pretty much ends. Long distance relationships are not like the ones you see in movies with the fairy tale plots.

That being said, my boyfriend and I are possibly the worst candidates for a long distance relationship...

Reason #1: For starters, for each of us, this is our first relationship... ever. We were friends for about a year. A mutual friend had introduced us and we had met in person. From that day forward, we were best friends. Well one thing led to another, and though it is a long story, the short version is my boyfriend confessed his feelings to me after a year of pure friendship. Taken aback, I recognized his feelings but turned him down for the sake of the friendship, thinking nothing could come of anything because we were states apart, and it would be crazy to start something when you are that far away from someone. Well it took me about three months to realize I shared his feelings, and that I was absolutely crazy for turning him down. Therefore, at that time, we decided we would try this thing out.

Reason #2: One of us loves the phone, and the other hates it. This equation equals lots of argument. "We've only been on the phone for 30 minutes!" "I don't want to be on anymore! I have nothing else to say!" "Please, just stay on for 5 more minutes?" "No, because it won't be enough for you." For anyone thinking about being in a long distance relationship, you have to understand that the phone will be your main connection to your partner. Therefore, if you do not like the phone, then you will not like a long distance relationship. Not that long distance relationships are terribly likable to begin with, but they will be will be much more less likable, won't they?

Reason #3: We simply cannot afford to see each other as much as we would like--we are lacking in the money department. Our relationship started when we were sophomores in college. With full class schedules, there is not time for a full-time job in there to make enough money to afford to make all the trips we would like to make. My boyfriend and I actually have never been able to afford any of the trips we have made to see each other, as infrequent as they are. We have to use what we have in savings. Pulling out my debit card to pay for a bus ticket is bittersweet, knowing that it will be awhile before I can replace that money, but at the same time I get to see my love. Is it worth it? Yes, just do not get into negative money.

So how did we not fall apart? Why was our relationship not over much longer ago?

Well, it almost was. I honestly cannot tell you how many times we have almost broken up over long distance issues. I say "almost" but sometimes when we argue, if it is over a big issue, there may be a threat to break up, without there actually being real intentions to do so, especially 5 minutes after the words come out of your mouth, and you have calmed down. We have both been guilty of saying things we do not really mean.

So why? Because of the love we have for each other, simply put. We have become so connected, that to not be with the other, would be devastating for both of us. We want each other so much. Therefore, before you decide you cannot handle the long distance because you are tired of it, think about the person you are with. Would you stay with them if distance was not separating you? If the answer is yes, then you should reconsider your decision. You may regret leaving the person. After all, someday long distance relationships have to become relationships not separated by distance any longer. Can you wait for that day? If you love the person, you most certainly can.

How did we work through the problems?

At the start of our relationship is when our phone issues were a larger problem. It was not until over time, there became a mutual understanding that our phone conversations were important to our relationship, and were the glue in keeping us together. However, we also no longer stay on the phone for the sake of staying on the phone. If we run out of conversation topics and there is dead air, either someone comes up with something to talk about or we are done talking. This rule works to make both people happy when they have differing opinions on talking on the phone. Trust me. This is coming from someone who wanted to stay on the phone in the quoted argument above.

Being our first relationship, many would think this factor would certainly indicate a grim future for the relationship. We have found however that it has actually kept us together. First love is a strong love. Without prior experience in other relationships, one may believe first relationships never last, especially a long distance relationship. However, we started our relationship as two mature people, both willing to work to make our relationship possible. Before deciding you want to be in a long distance relationship with someone, decide if both you and your prospective boyfriend/girlfriend really want this. Both hearts have to be in it and want to work hard for the relationship. Working through problems is necessary in any relationship, and even more so in a long distance relationship because they will and do happen.

As far as the money situation, it has not improved yet and we have not been able to see each other more than every 1-2 months. But we have to have something to work on, right?
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Think Your Way to a Successful Long Distance Relationship

2010-01-25T15:06:00.000-08:00

By Alex Chew

In every Long Distance Relationships that I observed and work with, I discovered one very important element that could either hold or break a long distance relationship. You may think that you are ready for this kind of relationships, you may also think that you have enough material at hand to support you thru the relationship or you may even have convince yourself thousand time that it will work. Without knowing the working principle of the element that I am going to share with your in this article, you will fail. The element is none other than your mind power. How you think and act on what you think is very important to ensure that your long distance relationship has a happy ending. So how must you think?

1) Positive Thinking

Enough have been said of positive thinking but do really anyone think positively when facing a problem? You may tell yourself that you are willing to give two years to your partner but in actual fact, do you condition yourself to think positively for two years? For example, half way thru the relationship, your partner may tell you that he/she has given up hope on the relationship due to some difficulties, what will you do? Most of us will start to blame the other party for not keeping the promise or beginning to give way which is not good. How many of us will think positive by looking into other alternatives? So, ask yourself are your willing to think positively all the way?

2) Forward Thinking

Apart from positive thinking, there is also another type of thinking that you must cultivate in order to be successful in your long distance relationship. I call this Forward Thinking. Forward Thinking is conditioning yourself to see the success of your future now. Why this type of thinking important? It is important because, this type of thinking will condition your mind to accept only the outcome that you want. For example, if you condition yourself to see yourself married to your partner in long distance relationship, any shortcoming during the long distance relationship will not have big impact because your subconscious mind already planted the success seed. You will brave yourself thru any shortcoming as you know that you will succeed.

3) Creative Thinking

So what creative thinking got to do with long distance relationship? Let’s put it this way, what exactly does long distance relationship can offer comparing to other relationship? Nothing, yes there are absolutely nothing if you see it from the fact and that is why many long distance relationship fail as there is nothing much you can do due to the physical distance. That is why you need to think differently or more precise creatively when you are in a long distance relationship. For example, have you ever think that you can actually sleep together every night in your long distance relationship or you can actually kiss your lover in your relationship? All of this can be done if you think creatively and differently. You cannot deny the distance but you can always use the distance to your advantage if you think creatively.

The above are the examples of some of the way of thinking you must have or cultivate in order to put spice to your otherwise mundane long distance relationship. How you think will determine how far you can go in your long distance relationship.
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10 Rules To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

2010-01-22T15:04:00.000-08:00

By Eddie Corbano

Nearly everyone has experienced a long distance relationship at some point in his life. Most of us have failed to maintain it and have broken up, even though this may have been a promising relationship. Why is that so? What are the common reasons to break up in those long distance relationships and how can you make them work?

To begin with, I was there myself. A good friend of mine gave my e-mail address to his wife's best friend. Shortly after that she dropped me a line. So we got to know each other. By e-mail.

The great thing about e-mail communication is, there are no games. At least there shouldn't be. You can present yourself as the person you are. You can truly open up.

So we fell in love just for the persons we were. No masks, no shields. But still 2000 miles apart.

Of course the critical moment was when we first met. Would the picture we had about each other synchronize with the outer picture? If you've been dishonest, then you will fail at this point. Luckily it worked out for us.

Long distance relationships can occur for a number of reasons. Here are some of the common scenarios:

* You've met in a chat room or at an online personal site and realized in the end that you were several states far away from each other.
* You recently graduated college and have moved back to your home town and your boyfriend or girlfriend has continued to stay in the college town.
* At work you've been promoted and sent to a new city for an important program and will be in that location for several months.

Long distance relationships have both, advantages and disadvantages. For some, the distance is a good help to slowly open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the partner. The romance stays kindled because you aren't around the person 24/7 seeing various habits and routines that can get repetitive.

In terms of disadvantages, it is very frustrating that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing. At least between the meetings. You will experience difficulties in connecting because you don't have eye contact and can't take walks or enjoy dinners out together.

Then again that makes the meetings so much more intense then they would be in a "normal" relationship. It's the quality, not the quantity.

Long distance relationships can work, but there are some rules and guides you have to follow.

Of course, there is also a very important condition without an long distant relationship can not work:

You must have a true interest in each other. I mean a deep emotional connection, whether you've been together before the spacial separation or you've met each other through chat/e-mail. I'm afraid a physical attraction is not enough. That's why most summer vacation affairs fail in the end.

Here are the rules that made my personal long distance relationship work:

1. Have A Relationship Plan For The Future

Know where you are heading. Have a light at the end of the tunnel.

What do you want to accomplish in you partnership? Have goals and a time frame when you want to be together. It is very important that you both have a hope to live for.

I think that this is the most common reason why some long distance relationships don't work: they don't have a plan, they just hope it will turn out right, that a miracle is going to happen. Certainly this also means you have to make sacrifices. At least one of you.

Realize that you most likely only have three options: she moves to him, he moves to her or both move to another place. Start talking about it as soon as you realize that you want to be together. The biggest mistake you can make is to hush it up.

2. Meet Regularly

Try to see each other every month at least once. Plan this ahead and include some activities, like town visits, museums, a weekend in a fancy hotel, etc. Make it a celebration, an explosion, something very special!

Soon this short meetings will be something you long for, something that you will align your life at.

Remember, you only get a real connection by touching, feeling and smelling a person. You don't get scent with email or skype, or that initial wow you feel inside when you see your love.

So do everything you can to meet at least once a month.

3. Use Modern Technologies To Communicate

You need all the help you can get, so why not using the glorious benefits of a modern communication world:

* Get an e-mail account if you do not have one and write at least one e-mail to each other every day
* Use Skype or something similar to talk to each other for free. Believe me, it's awesome watching a movie together while simultaneously talking on Skype
* Use Instant Messaging (I recommend the Yahoo Messenger)
* Use digital photographs and videos of your daily activities and send them via e-mail
* Use a webcam (this I can highly recommend)

Using all this electronic stuff will make it much easier for you both. Imagine how it used to be 100 years ago, when a letter used to take months.

4. Give Yourselves A Free Day

This one-sided communication - I mean with no physical interaction - can sometimes frustrate very intensively. It is possible that this frustration then comes to conflicts between you as an outlet for it. This could lead to misunderstandings that are very difficult to resolve per e-mail. Believe me one thing, you do not want to have a fight over e-mail or phone.

I then found it very helpful to insert a day or two without any communication. What then happens is that you miss each other very intensively and you usually find yourselves at a more higher level than you were before.

If the only way of interaction between you is canceled for a day or two, you will either progress or doubt. In any case you will know where you stand. This is also a good way to test your long distance relationship.

5. Write Extensive And Intimate E-mails

Open yourself up completely. Write about your inner state, what you are feeling, what you dream about, what you hope for. As a rule of guidance: describe in your e-mails your inner state and in your phone-calls your outer state. Writing is more intense than verbal communication and allows you to be more intimate. That will create a tighter bond between you.

The most important thing here is: be honest! Don't pretend you are someone you are not. Don't put yourself in a better light. Long distance relationships only have a chance if both are completely honest and congruent.

6. Send A Written Letter Once In A While

Do not underestimate the marvelous feeling, when you look in your letter box and find a letter from your love, open it and see his/her writing. This is a pleasure we often forget about in this modern times. Not to mention that it's far more romantic.

7. Beware Of Jealousy

Jealousy is a very dangerous thing and can threaten every long distance relationship. Jealousy is commonly a lack of trust and understanding. It very often reveals insecurities and bad experiences in other relationships.

The keyword here is simply: trust. You cannot control and observe your partner, you only can have faith in your relationship and in the things you build together in the times you had. Hold on to that and never give in to that green eyed monster.

Jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions there is! Listen to Shakespeare:

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock The meat it feeds on; that cuckold lives in bliss Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger But, O, what damned minutes tells he o'er Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly loves!

8. Avoid Dangerous "Situations"

As mentioned before, trust is essential. If you completely trust your partner and also have faith in your relationship, you can pretty much do what you want without endangering your relation. However, I nevertheless recommend avoiding some specific situations. Of course it depends on the person, but I would not date the opposite sex alone, or go to wild parties. Simply avoid temptations that could distract you from each other.

Better safe than sorry!

9. Never Lose Faith

Watch out, you will meet a lot of skepticism. People will tell you that long distance relationships never work, especially those who have had negative experiences about it. Don't listen to them. People tend to negate things they failed on. Listen to me: it can definitely work, but you both have to believe it.

10. Always Stay Positive

Always assume that your partner loves you and cares about you. Never assume anything negative, whether you read something in his/her e-mails or you disliked how he/she made a weird comment on something. Don't interpret to much in it.

The problem with non-face-to-face communication is the lack of facial expression. It is so easy to misinterpret but unfortunately much harder to trust and stay positive.

I assure you, if something was wrong, you will know it.

As you can see, I'm definitely positive about long distance relationships. They expose ongoing life lessons, and prove that love, loyalty, and faith are the vital ingredients to a lasting relationship.

Have faith, have trust and you both will succeed in the end.
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"Should" You Date Others During Your Long Distance Relationship?

2010-01-19T15:01:00.000-08:00

By Maria Madeira

My Dear Lover,

Today I want to share with you the facts, and also my advice about something you probably ask yourself a lot of times:

"Should" I Date Others During My Long Distance Relationship?

Well, first I will give you some facts (scientific facts!) and then I will give my personal advice to you.

Dr. Gregory Guldner his the leading authority on long distance
relationships and the author of the most comprehensive study of
long distance relationships ever completed, "Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide".
He is is a graduate of Stanford Medical School and Purdue University's Clinical Psychology Program and he combines his
scientific expertise,interviews with hundreds of couples in
long distance relationships and his own personal experience into this comprehensive book.

Ok, now that you know who Dr. Gregory Guldner is, I will give you the scientific facts about Dating Others During an LDR.

Dr. Gregory Guldner made 2 studies, and here are his results:

6-month longitudinal study:

- 30% of couples who dated others broke up

- 27% of couples who did not broke up

- 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue broke up.

Cross sectional study:

- 15% of those who dated others survived LDR

- 48% of those who didn't survived LDR

Humm, to much scientific! you will say.
Ok, let me explain to you the meaning of those numbers:

In the first study: the 6-month longitudinal study we can see that:

The Long Distance Relationship couples that dated others, in a
period of 6 months, 30% of them broke up.

In the Long Distance Relationship couples that did not dated
others, in a period of 6 months, 27% of them broke up.

And notice this, 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue
broke up!

In the second study: "Cross sectional study", the relationships
that at one point were long distance (like the one you and me are
living now), but that now are reunited (the thing you and me want
more) as planned, we can see that:

Only 15% of those who dated others survived LDR and 48% of those
who didn't survived LDR.

The conclusion we can take is that for "kind of" short periods of
time, like six months, it doesn't make to much difference for the
success of the Long Distance Relationship, to date others.
What makes the difference here is not being clear and honest
with the Long Distance Partner, 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue broke up!

Now, for long periods of time, dating others is very very danger
for the success of your Long Distance Relationship! Only 15% survived LDR!

But, what makes you "want" to date others while you are in your Long Distance Relationship?

Is the lake of sex? Is because you like to feel close with another person?

Weel Long Distance Relationships can be sexually satisfying
as Close Relationships!

What you need to do is to know how to "make love" at telephone
or to write erotic letters, or send erotic pictures or videos to
your beloved.

Now about my own experience?
Do you think that because I am in a Long Distance Relationship I don't feel sexually attracted by others? Of course I do!
But do I consider the idea of me dating others while I am in my
Long Distance Relationships?

No, no, no. Let me tell you something. At my job there is a man,
that I don't know to explain this, but between me and him there is such a strong sexual chemistry.

And believe me, between me and my Long Distance Partner, there is
also a strong sexual chemistry, but I think if I made sex with that man from my job, I guess I would be something even stronger than I have with my Long Distance Partner.

But do you think that will ever make sex with that man from my job?

Never!

First I really love with all my heart my Long Distance Partner, he is without any doubt the "true love" of my life. And a relationship is much more than sex, and you also now that very well!

Second I don't feel that I have sexual insatisfaction in my Long
Distance Relationship.
I do use what I "learn" from several resources that you can find in internet, and that you can find in my website.

Now, with this, I am not saying that I agree or disagree with the
ones that make the choice of Dating Others while they are in a Long Distance Relationship.

It's your choice, and now, you have also the numbers of the scientific study of Dr. Gregory Guldner and also my advice and my experience.
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Long Distance Relationship - Advice on Dos and Don'ts

2010-01-16T14:59:00.000-08:00

By Alex Chew

Throughout our experience working with long distance relationship couples, we had discovered that there are lots of thing that we must do and as well as refrain from doing in order to survive the relationship. Below are some of the advices that we have compiled over the years. Although they may look simple but when it comes to the actual execution, it may take more than your effort and discipline. It is your desire to survive the relationship that makes the most impact in writing the outcome of your distance relationship. Consider some of the below do and don’t list and together with your desire, I am pretty sure you are able to conquer your distance relationship with ease and fun.

Do’s

1) Establish an effective communication channel

The very first thing that you must do in a long distance relationship is to establish an effective communication channel. Most people will think that telephone is the most convenient mode of communication but apart from the telephone services, there are some other alternative you can use. Instant messenger, emails, VOIP phone and conventional mails can be very effective if you know how to use them. Each of the communication channels has its own advantages and disadvantages and therefore you must start to explore each of them to enhance your communication experience.

2) Plan to meet each other

There is nothing more important than planning to meet each other again at an interval of time throughout the period of your long distance relationship. This will help both you and your partner to catch up with each other over the things that you cannot do while apart. The anticipation of seeing each other again will always give you the excitement, hope and as well as eliminating the lonely feeling in your LDR.

3) Build hobby that you can both share

By building and keeping a hobby, both of you will have something to discuss and work on throughout your distance relationship. Finding something to do online can be quite interesting judging from its speed and reach ability but never leave out conventional hobby as well because you do not need to have your partner’s physical present to share a hobby.

4) Surprise your partner

Occasionally surprise you partner with cards, gifts, letter and flower out of their expectation apart from your normal correspondence. Put your imagination to use and your partner will be sure to love your effort in keeping them happy. Sending the unexpected gifts to your partner will always spice up your distance relationship regardless how far your partner may be.

5) Capture and share that interesting moment

Throughout the period of your LDR, you can always capture some interesting moment of yours by exchanging photos, video clips and as well as audio recording. This will indirectly keep your partner informed on what has happen in your life despite the physical distance.

Don’ts

1) Settle for a temporary replacement

One of the mistakes that a distance relationship couple often make is to settle for a temporary replacement when their partner is not physical around. By letting a third party into your life, you will not only put your distance relationship to risk but you will also break the mutual trust and agreement that you make. Although it may not be done intentionally but this type of mistake will be very costly to your long distance relationship.

2) Take the relationship lightly

The absence of your partner does not give you the license to dictate and manipulate the relationship. You must remember that, your partner has their own right to participate in any decision making toward the well being of your relationship regardless where there are. A long distance relationship is also as important as a normal relationship and your partner has their own right to be treated fairly.

3) Wait and see attitude

Most of the failures in distance relationship that we observed are contributed by the wait and see attitude of the couples themselves. This was caused by the insecurity of the couple as they do not think that the LDR will work but at the same time they do not want to put a stop to the relationship. Let me tell you this, if you plan to have this kind of attitude, refrain from walking into one at the first place because both you and your partner will suffer in the relationship. In a LDR, both partners must be committed and proactive in bringing the relationship to a higher level.

4) Suspicion

There are no rooms for suspicion in a long distance relationship. In order for you to survive your distance relationship, you must learn to trust your partner whole heartedly. A single suspicion will break the bond you have for each other and it is a beginning of the end if you start to suspect your partner at any point of your LDR. Although it is easier said than done but trust me, if your partner is apt to do something unfaithful to you, they will still do it under your nose. Therefore there is no need for you to create such unnecessary stress in your LDR.

5) Succumb to negative comment on LDR

Couples in distance relationship always make a mistake by believing that LDR do not work. The negative impression you have in LDR will eventually hunt you down and destroy your relationship if you choose to listen to the negative comment. Therefore, once you have decided to enter into a long distance relationship, you must learn to believe that your relationship will work. I knew it because I had successfully conquered my own distance relationship due to the reason that I am not influence by any of the bad comments I received.
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8 Ways to Improve Your Long Distance Relationship

2010-01-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

By Alex Chew

Couples in love may often find themselves having to live apart for a period of time throughout their relationship due to job commitment, studies, military obligation and etc. This has made us wonder whether a relationship can survive the physical distance. Different people may have different view towards the subject and if you ask me…. I will give you this answer… “YOU are the one who is going to determine whether it will work or not” “There are nobody in this world who can tell you whether you can survive or not except yourself”. Surviving a long distance relationship is not about promises or luck but it is very much dependent on how you think, act, manage and most importantly, how you want the outcome to be. Therefore it is very important to make up your mind whether you want the relationship to work or not. It will be easier once you have done that as there are tons of thing you can do to improve your distance relationship. Below are the ways you can use to survive and improve your distance relationship in summary.

1) Do not believe all the myths that you have heard about Long Distance Relationship before checking it out yourself. Get support from someone who really can understand you and your distance relationship.

2) Be prepared to manage your own emotion throughout the durations of your distance relationship with your partner. List out the potential emotional stress that you will be facing and discuss it with your partner. Find books or resources that can help you to manage your emotions in relation to Long Distance Relationship.

3) Cultivate the 7 most essential elements that are required to make your distance relationship work,

i) Plan and set reasonable objectives

ii) Learn to trust your partner unconditionally

iii) Prepare a statement of commitment

iv) Learn to respect your distance partner

v) Dedicate sometime to understand your partner despite the distance

vi) Be patience to unforeseen circumstances in your distance relationship

vii) Learn to give undivided attention to your distance partner.

4) Cut down your telecommunication fees or cost by sourcing for cheap alternative to telephone calls. Emails, messaging service or Internet (and much more) can be the good alternatives to expensive long distance calls if you know how to use them effectively.

5) Learn to communicate effectively over the media as mentioned above. The skill is necessary as you will be communicating with your distance partner without any clue from his or her body language.

6) In long distance relationship, it is possible to grow together while living apart. This can be done by following the some simple rules below:

i) Never let the distance be a physical barrier to do what a normal couple will do in a relationship.

ii) Feel free to convey your thought over to your distance partner as if he or she is sitting next to you. Distance should not hinder a distance couples from growing together in emotion.

iii) Be proud of your relationship and most of all

iv) Accept the fact the distance is temporary and view it from the positive mindset.

v) Be open to new suggestions and most importantly be creative in your effort to bring fun to the relationship.

7) As a human, we are not perfect in everything, therefore, you must learn from your own mistake throughout the course of your long distance relationship. You can also find resources or helps from people who has experience the relationship and learn from them.

8) Make preparation for the homecoming of your distance lover and look forward to bring your relationship to a higher level. The anticipation will definitely help both the distance partner to pull through.
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When a Plane Ride is Necessary to See Your Honey - Long-Distance Relationships

2010-01-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

By Richard Moran

Long distance relationships (LDR) are not for the weak at heart, not only that, they can also be expensive. Even if two people only live 4 hours a part, it gets expensive running back and forth, even if you take turns. Long distance relationships have a whole new dimension to them then a traditional relationship and one thing they can not survive with out is trust and communication, if either is lacking the relationship will never make it.

There are a couple reasons people can find themselves in a long distance relationship:

* Work takes on of the partners away. With the war, many couples have been separated for long periods of time to where they have had to rely on their foundation they have built in their relationship to pull them through their absence. If the foundation is shaky, the relationship can be at risk. That is why it is so important to have a strong level of trust in your partner and excellent communication skills. You never know what may separate you.
* Online dating sites have created many long distance relationships.

Pre-established relationships that are disconnected through work or other reasons that finds them in a long distance relationship may be able to benefit from some of these tips. However, this article is more directed towards the population that are in new relationships that are long distance out of choice by either chance encounters or meeting on an online dating site.

Long distance relationships by choice are becoming a common relationship. It is estimated that 4.4 million college age people and 3.5 million dating couples are in long distant relationships. That is not counting married couples that are separated do to work or war. The online dating sites continue to add to these numbers daily as people are easily connected to people who live cities, to states, to countries apart from one another. Break up rates in long distant couples is not that much greater then amongst couples that live in close proximity with one another or even together. Although LDRs have to work at their relationship in a different manner then traditional relationships, over all they are no less satisfied with the relationship other then the distance.

Something you need to consider if you are thinking about entering a long distance relationship is if you are capable of handling the extra commitment and work it requires. If you are recently in a LDR and have already have had thoughts of straying or obsessive thoughts that your partner is cheating you are not cut out for the long distance lifestyle. Here are some tips that will help in your dating ventures as well as maintenance of a long distance relationship.

Have an end in sight.

When people are separated by work or war, they have the advantage of knowing approximately how long the separation will be. This gives them something tangible to look forward to and calms fears of never being together. Therefore, give yourself the same advantage. Before getting to deep into the relationship, make a time line of how the relationship would ideally work out. Is the other person finishing their degree and does not choose to leave their current university? Take into accounts what things are happening in each other's lives and make a reasonable time line of when the separation is going to end and you will be united.

Think about your willingness to relocate. If you have no intentions on relocating, make sure to make that clear early on in the relationship. You partner may feel the same way and you are then at a stalemate and need to make a decision to continue or call it quits.

Make time to communicate

In long distance relationship, communication levels need to be increased drastically compared to traditional relationships. You are wise to make sure you have the same cell phone carriers or a really good long distance phone plan. Schedule your communication so each partner knows when the next time will be when he or she will hear from you. This takes some of the worry out of the equation. The more you talk the less the distance will appear. Mark dates and times a month in advance with each other. It gives you both parties a tangible thing to look forward to. If for some reason you are not going to be able to call on a scheduled time, let the partner know in advance. Do not just blow it off as if it does not matter. Always think, would you want the same done to you?

Physical visits

Just like the phone communication, schedule physical visits in advance, the more the better, but no less then once every six months. Depending on the amount of distance between the couple will play a factor in the frequency of visits. It can get very expensive traveling all the time. However, in addition to scheduling physical visits, schedule mini vacations like a traditional relationship would have. This continues to help the relationship grow and stay fresh.

Trust

Trust can be an issue in any relationship, however if you already have trust issues, long distance is not for you. It takes a blind trust in a sense to be able to handle LDRs. You do not have the luxury of seeing this person daily nor can you talk to them every night the entire night through. You have to be willing to give a level of trust that is even deeper then that in a traditional relationship. Statistics show that people e who are in LDR do not cheat any more then a traditional relationship, however, they do have a tendency to worry about it more which can bring problems of their own in the relationship. A person can actually begin to believe their partner is cheating purely from worry alone and by no indication from the other partner that there is anything wrong.

Intimacy

In a long distance relationship, intimacy takes on a completely new meaning. You have to learn to focus on what you have at your disposal rather then what you don't have. LDRs need to communicate more and in a variety of ways to stimulate as many senses as possible. Hand written letters, emails, phone call, video chats, tape-recorded messages, pictures, and tokens of love are all great ways to improve a distant intimacy. People in LDR need to communicate more there day to day activities, plans, how their day went, the small details of their life as well as the bigger ones to help the couples feel a part of their everyday living and an important part of each other's life.

Isolation

It is easy for people in LDR to begin to isolate themselves from others and only focus strictly on work to avoid uncomfortable situations while out in public. They appear to be physically single; however, they are not single emotionally. Although LDR are becoming more acceptable as a alternative dating arrangement, it is not yet seen by all as a real relationship which leads the person in a LDR having to re-explain their position repeatedly. Rather then always having to feel the need to defend their LDR and the reality of their love they simply avoid any situations that may bring up question. However, this is very unhealthy. People in long distance relationships still need to have a support circle with whom they can feel safe to discuss their relationship with as well as socialize with other people.

Quality of Relationship

Most people in LDR measure the success of their relationship based off their last physical encounter rather then the relationship as a whole. If the last visit went poorly, they may sit back with worries until the next visit. Phone conversations in the mid term avoid discussing how or why the last visit did not go well as others so the moment is not ruined. This is another aspect where long distance relationships can fail. Although they may have increase communication, they need to discuss the good and the bad and work through them regardless if they are sitting next to each other. They cannot allow things to fester up until the next visit and expect it to go well, or try to hide the negative feelings they have been dealing with since the last visit. Although the communication needs to be at an increased level in LDR, it needs to be of increased quality as well.

Sex

Over all, couples with mutual commitment to a LDR report having a satisfying sex relationship. When they do get to see each other physically, the sex is always fresh, new and exciting, much like honeymooning. The downside of this can be that the expectation level of their sex life remaining at status quo after uniting is unrealistic and seldom happens which can lead to problems and eventual break in the relationship. Couples substitute the physical connection part of sex while away through phone sex, erotic emails, and pictures. If you are not comfortable with "phone sex" and/or self-pleasure, you may want to reconsider a long distance relationship

Long distance relationship can work, they just take a different level of commitment, trust, and the couple must have excellent communication skills to make one work.For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

Successful Long Distance Relationships - The 7 Key Secrets Of Successful Long Distance Relationships

2010-01-07T14:50:00.000-08:00

By Anne Amore

Long distance relationships are becoming more common as people travel far away for work, study, or reasons beyond their control. While always challenging, there are ways to make relationships thrive despite the distance. Here are my 7 top tips for building successful long distance relationships....

1. Plan your long distance relationship

Make time for a serious heart-to-heart discussion with your partner. Face up to all the challenges that you are likely to experience through being so far apart from each other. Be honest and talk about all the 'what ifs' and plan what you can do when those occur as they surely will. Make contingency plans for your insecurities, your sexual needs, and what you need to put in place to keep the relationship thriving. The people that enjoy successful long distance relationships do not leave things to chance. By planning ahead, you strengthen your relationship commitment and build your resolve to make it work.

2. Keep the communication lines open

If you are hundreds or thousands of miles apart, it is easy to feel 'separated'. Successful long distance relationships require daily interaction and sharing (the 'relating' to each other bit). Phones, email, texting, postal mail, and web cams... you must use them all. Remember that there is a hierarchy of value to these communication systems. Your best bet is to use a combination of web cam and an internet phone like Skype, so that you can see and talk to each other. Texts and emails are great for short little notes but no more than that as they are so open to misinterpretation. Make sure to send gifts, photos, home movie clips, and traditional love letters via postal mail too. There is nothing quite so rewarding as receiving a package from a distant loved one -- it lets your partner know how much you care about them and are thinking of them.

3. Romantic ideas for long distance relationships

So how do you stay romantic during a long distance relationship? Romance is built on thoughtfulness, creativity and shared experiences of intimacy and joy. There are lots of ways you can demonstrate your romantic side, however far apart you are. Most important to your partner is being reassured that they are still loved and that you are thinking about them despite all the distractions of life where you are. Keep them in your heart by making a commitment to staying in regular contact. Send thoughtful and romantic care packages, as discussed, by mail. And make time for alone time together on your web cam internet phone get-togethers. One of the most romantic things you can do for successful long distance relationships is plan your future together. Talk about what you are going to do in the future. Always speak in terms of how much you are looking forward to being with them physically and sharing a life together. Plan what you are going to do when you meet up next time. And make the most of your memories and shared experiences. Talking about the fun things that you have done and will do is great strategy for keeping the chemistry alive in any romantic relationship. Be sure to give your partner regular and frequent re-assurance of your love and commitment. Watch out for misunderstanding and strive to get clarity in all your communications with your long-distance partner. Make sure when you are on the phone or web cam that you are alone. That way you can express yourselves better and there will be nothing to distract you.

4. Coping with sexual frustration and temptation

If you are healthy, you are going to be horny and it's hard to get satisfaction if your partner is the other side of the country, or worse, the world. It is essential that you are both perfectly clear on the boundaries of the relationship. Some people are okay with the idea of their partners seeing other people while they are apart. But most are not. Clarify your own relationship and the level of commitment you are willing to give each other. Assess the likelihood of temptations. If your sweetie is off to college on the West Coast while you are going to college on the East Coast, you have to decide how strong your relationship is because you are both going to face major temptation in the form of other people who are actually there in front of you. Every couple is unique and only the pair of you can decide whether you can realistically commit. The secret is to maintain those communication lines and include lots of time for high-tech intimacy in the form of phone sex and web cam sex. Obviously you need a high level of trust in a relationship to do this, as you do not want to discover your beloved has posted your naked pictures online! Successful long distance relationships make provisions for sexual frustration by scheduling 'fun' time. More than that they focus on the experience of intimacy and depth and that is part of all your communications. The more you reveal of your true self the closer the relationship becomes. As for coping with temptation, this is where your commitment comes into play and the future planning that you do. Most people can get by on the promise of the hot stuff! Just make sure you carry through on what you say you are going to do to each other when you meet up!

5. Overcoming feelings of jealousy and fears of cheating

All romantic relationships can experience jealousy and fears about cheating, but generally long distance relationships take longer to resolve those feelings. The grass always seems greener on the other side especially if one partner has gone away somewhere exciting while the other is at home. If every time you talk to your beloved there appears to be a party on in the background, no wonder you feel jealous. The important thing is to not beat yourself up about it. It's natural to feel a bit jealous and insecure. It is going to happen, so accept it and do not let it escalate. Maintain your own high self-esteem and high self-worth. Keep doing the things that you enjoy doing. You are a valuable, attractive, interesting person. It's important for your own mental health that you adopt the attitude that your partner is lucky to have you in their life. Think that you are the best choice for them. Successful long distance relationships use the distance to have a clearer perspective on the relationship. Acknowledge the reality that you could form a successful relationship with any number of people. But you have chosen to build a wonderful relationship with this person who just happens to be a long distance away at this time. With this perspective your relationship is always based on choice. With you choosing to create a loving relationship rather than it being about neediness, craving or thinking this is the one and only.

6. Dealing with doubt about your feelings

Accept that it is natural for your enthusiasm to lessen at times. All relationships wax and wane, so refuse to see it as indicative of a failing relationship. Do not be afraid to express your feelings within a context that is safe. If you have planned well, you will have provided for this eventuality and you will both know that it is just a natural part of being apart. Evaluate where you are and where you are headed in the relationship. Make sure that you have shared relationship goals to aim for and that you are actively talking about your next physical meeting and any future life plans. People who live very much in the moment can often find it harder to maintain touch with their feelings for someone while apart. If that is you, make sure both you and your partner understand that you might not be as demonstrative from a distance. In this situation, it is best to try and schedule more regular meetings if possible. But it is also important, for your life not just your relationship, that you gain a better and longer time perspective. The most successful people financially are those who think and plan 10, 20, 30 years ahead. The same is true in relationships. Successful long distance relationships occur when both parties see the separation as temporary and having a finite duration, and that they are building towards a future together

7. Successful relationships at a distance and close-up

Ultimately you want to find out how to successfully love another person and how to create a blissful relationship. The fact that you are going to be apart for a while is just another challenge that you need to rise to. Relationships are full of challenges. Things are always coming along to throw you off balance. That is life. The trick is to adapt and overcome life's challenges. In traditional wedding vows, the couple make promises to each other that they love, respect and care for each other through thick and thin, in rich times and poor times. There is a real magic in a commitment like that. Making a vow of that nature builds deep love between two people. Deep love is something you can only experience with time and commitment. It enriches your soul. You feel fulfilled by it to your very marrow. Successful long distance relationships are built by people committed to love and being loving to each other. Love is a verb. It is something that you can choose to do. Often times choosing to love involves hard work. But the rewards it pays outweigh anything else you can get from this world.
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How to be Romantic in Long Distance Relationships

2010-01-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

By Alex Chew

Throughout our experience working with long distance couples, we frequently heard that long distance relationship does not have the elements of romance in it. This is not caused by the lack of love in long distance relationship but couples in such situation just do not know how to be romantic to each other. Romance in long distance relationship is necessary and it can make your relationship stronger regardless how far your lover may be.

There are million of things you can do to increase the romance in your long distance relationship. The basic rule here is to build your ability to show your distance partner that you really cherish and value the relationship throughout your LDR. Below are some of the areas you must understand and practice in order to increase the romance in your long distance relationship.

Sweet Talk

Communication is the most important thing in a long distance relationship and you must be able to talk sweetly over the telephone or any cheap channel that you can grab hold. Tell your partner that how you have missed and love them on their absence. Remember to tell your distance partner that you still treasure and care for them even when they are not physically around. Let them know that although you cannot be with them but you constantly think, enchanted and fascinated by them. Sweet talk can never be too much and you can do it as often as you like whenever you got the change to speak or communicate with your distance lover.

Listening with Care

Listening is the next most important thing in long distance relationship. It is important to be able to listen and understand completely the things that your partner is telling you whether it is about their day, wants or dreams. You are their only trusted person that they can look for to share and let their anger off without having to worry and therefore you must be able to listen with care when your partner needs you to lend them your ear. Sharing with your partner will always allow you to build and enhance the romantic moment in your relationship.

Love Note

Nothing is better that a written note with “I love you” message on it. Include this note whenever you send a letter to your distance partner or every time you send something to them. When you had the chance to meet your long distance partner, slip this note into their wallet, handbag, briefcase and etc without their knowledge. The note can be anything from simple “I miss you” to full blown love letter letting you distance partner know how much you have miss him or her.

Virtual Kiss

It may seem that kissing your partner is almost impossible in long distance relationship but you can always give a virtual kiss to your partner. You can always make a lipstick mark on a handkerchief with your mouth or write a “Kiss in Advance” note on a paper and send it to your partner. Tell your partner that you wanted to give them a kiss in advance and ask them to keep the handkerchief or note to remind you of the kiss when he or she sees you the next time.

Having Fun

Having fun is an important and serious matter in long distance relationship. Take the time to have fun with your distance lover. Both of your can always spend your time playing online computer game, surfing the internet, watching a movie at the same time or as well as spending the whole evening telling jokes to each other on the phone. Remember the good times that you both had while together and share them while chatting on the phone. You can also tease and make joke on your partner just to lighten up your conversation from time to time. Anyway you must know the limit as over teasing can cause hurt on your partner. The idea is to have fun while both of you had the opportunity to talk to each other on the phone.

Courtesy and Respect

Courtesy and respect are very important in long distance relationship. You partner may not be physically around but they are still part of your life and a little courtesy or respect can definitely pull both of your closer to each other. Remember to seek for your partner’s opinion in making a decision concerning the relationship and this will indirectly show them that you still care for them. Being romantic is to care, respect and understand your partner regardless where they may be.

Giving Compliments

Complimenting your partner is another way to show that you appreciate them in a long distance relationship. Think of something to complement your distance partner every day or every week. It does not have to be anything big or major. Something like “You look beautiful today” or “Your voice is sweet” will make your partner feel nice about them self even they are far away. On the other hand, you must remember to give only a sincere and honest compliment to your long distance partner. Your partner will certainly feel romantic knowing that you still admire and appreciate them despite the distance.

Above are the areas of romance to get you started and you can always create your own romantic moment by using the above examples. Be passionate about your LDR and romance will automatically show up at your doorstep. Lastly but not least I, on behalf of Perfect-Relationship.com would like to wish you all the best to your long distance relationship.
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Long Distance Relationships - 8 Tips For Making Yours Fun, Fulfilling and Successful!

2010-01-01T14:45:00.000-08:00

By Yangki Christine Akiteng

"Everything would have been fine if we lived in the same town/state/country," is the common reason many men and women give for a long distance relationship not working out.

Admitted, distance can put an enormous strain on a relationship, but claiming that "distance" is the only reason a relationship didn't work out or can not work is putting your hands over your ears and shouting, "la-la-la-la-la-la- land" because the truth is too much to handle.

I've met many men and women who won't even try long distance relationships because according to them "Long distance relationships just don't work".

That simply isn't true! Long distance relationships CAN and DO work if the two individuals involved want it to. In my opinion, the question is not "Do long distance relationships work?" but rather "Do both of you want to make it work?" If you both want to make it work, distance is just another obstacle that two people who truly love each other can easily overcome -- if they really want to.

These simple to follow tips will help your long distance relationship not only survive distance, they'll also help you lay a strong foundation for a relationship that is fun, fulfilling and successful!

1. Talk at least once a week

Technology has made it easier than ever to keep in touch long distance. A few quick emails, text messages and phone calls at least once a day (or even once a week) create a sense of being fully engaged in each other's lives. Your relationship success depends on you being connected, so set aside uninterrupted talk-time to "catch up" on each other's lives.

If the other person can't make time for even a 10 minutes' conversation, but has time to go out with friends, go to a party, go the gym, cook or even sleep, get a clue, that person isn't into you as you want to think. If the other person is truly interested in you, he or she'll show all signs of not only wanting to continue the relationship but to move closer. And if s/he truly loves you that much, s/he'll not only create the time for you, s/he'll put talking to you top most priority on his/her list of things to do. You on the other hand have to be realistic and not try to suck up all his/her time because you're dripping with neediness.

2. Cultivate independent but inter-dependent lives

The time between calls and in-person reunions can be pure torture if you're spending all your time apart obsessing about the other person. You may find that you've put everything on hold to the point that no one else and nothing else is important or meaningful in life except being with him or her. You're consumed with constantly trying to test his or her love for you; doing things to try to make his or her need you, telling him or her about your "other admirers" etc. If s/he doesn't call or email you when you expect him/her to, you feel restlessness, rejected and unwanted. Some people become so needy that the other person just shuts down emotionally.

Instead of wasting so much time and emotions acting all clingy, needy and controlling, use the "distance" to develop and grow as an individual with your own independent life and who enjoys your own company. You'll feel more positively about "distance" when you feel positive about yourself, the other person, the relationship and life in general. A positive outlook is very important to the success of a LDR.

3. Let go of fear of abandonment/loss

Distance has a way of playing up anxiety and fear of the unknown. You miss him/her so much that you start imagining him/her cheating on you even when deep down you know that s/he is not the cheating type. Even when s/he has given you no reason to think that s/he might cheat, you tell yourself, "You just never know" or "Don't be a fool!"

If you are not fully prepared to trust your man or woman you have no business being in a long distance relationship because in LDRs, trust is everything. Without trust, there is little point in having the relationship. Without trust sustaining a long distance relationship is impossible.

Discuss your anxiety and fears with him or her and once you get the reassurance you need, LET IT GO. Truth is, if s/he wants to cheat, s/he will and there is nothing you can do about it. Give your mind some rest and concentrate on building a strong foundation for your relationship. It also helps for you to make extra efforts to be reliable, to do what you say you are going to do and to show that you're trustworthy. Trust cuts both ways!

4. Keep that sense of fun and romance alive

One of the most difficult things about long distance relationships is that you can't just turn to your man or woman and say "let's go for a walk in the park", or just drop in and ask him or her out for a drink. In the absence of these seemingly insignificant shared moments that most people in proximity relationships take for granted, it's easy for two people to become so stuck in the waiting, and the future, that they completely forget about now. The relationship slowly loses it's spark and eventually fades out.

To avoid this, try as much as possible to go out on "virtual dates". For example, decide to go watch the latest movie on the same day and then later call the other to share experiences, thoughts and opinions. Better yet, if time zones allow and if it's cost effective, rent a movie and watch it "together" with the other person on the phone. You can also play cards or games over the internet etc. And don't forget to flirt, seduce and tell him or her just how much s/he means to you and how much you love him or her. The important thing is to take the necessary steps to keep the sense of fun, shared interests, romance and passion alive.

5. Create a supportive environment

There'll be times when it seems like the other person is not bothered by distance, is happy that you're apart, or is having more fun. This makes you feel like you are the only one who "cares". So instead of trying to understand what's causing him or her to act that way, be supportive of whatever they're going through and encouraging of his or her efforts given what the two of you have to deal with, you start instructing, coaching, and scolding the other person for not "caring" about you or the relationship. Eventually all conversations become about how the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere. And true enough, you find yourselves living down to your own expectations.

It's had enough to have a long distance relationship without the constant nagging, instructing, coaching, and scolding of someone who consistently treats the relationship as a one person's property or business. Use that excess energy to create a supportive environment that fosters understanding, reassurance and cooperation. Sometimes all you need to do is listen. Don't judge and don't try to fix. Just listen. You can also bounce ideas off him or her, etc. Work as allies with the same goal.

6. Always have a plan for the next in-person reunion

Just knowing when you'll see each other again makes it easier to handle long distance relationships. Make the planning and preparing for the reunion a joint project. Share your thoughts and dreams of your re-union on a regular basis. This can make your coming together much more exciting, meaningful and special.

Be careful, though. Don't let expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be build too high as the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy. Expect there to be awkward silences, many down times and even arguments. It's a relationship not a fantasy!

7. Make plans for one of you to move

Someone must move at some point in order to keep the relationship together. If you're both eager to stay together, then set a date for getting together - either moving in or, at least, living in the same town and "dating". However, if it's a new relationship or a relationship on shaky grounds hold off the "future together" talk until you both feel that the relationship has matured, is more stable or until the other person is ready. If the other person is not ready, it doesn't matter how much you want it, it's never going to happen. The "I am not going to wait forever" may just become "It's over"

8. Ignore people who say long distance relationships don't work

It's not easy and there are no guarantees -- same as in all relationships. But don't run away from your long-distance relationship because everyone says "Long distance relationships don't and won't work". Long distance relationships have worked and can work for you if you are willing to do the hard work. If you're both emotionally mature enough, and are devoted enough, distance can teach both of you to exercise deeper connections, and provide for objective and honest assessment of your feelings for the each other. Distance can also encourage a stronger foundation for the development of your relationship.

At a time when careers increasingly demand greater mobility, long distance relationships are not only a very attractive option, they may very well be the future.

Not even distance can stop true love!
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The Matter of Choice in Long Distance Relationships

2009-12-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

By Alex Chew

Have you ever come across someone who just kept saying that a long distance relationship would not work no matter how hard you try? It even sounds more familiar when he/she ends the conversation with the universal phrase such as “I know it because I saw lots of failed LDR” If you choose to listen to this kind of comment, then you choose to fail in your long distance relationship because you will never be able to survive your LDR. The reason is simple, you choose to listen to the wrong command or choose to believe the wrong concept.

I truly believe that everyone in this world have their own opinion which is best to them all the time. What they think is true to them because they are capable of thinking only the true thing. I don’t blame them because they are true at least in their own little world. It is all up to us to believe what is said or we can choose to believe that every outcome is at our own hand. Let me tell you this, you can completely determine your own outcome when it comes to a long distance relationship. How you think what you do can really determine the result of your LDR. If you choose to believe that you can determine the outcome of your long distance relationship, then your LDR journey will becomes easier or more predictable.

Below are some examples of the positive choices you can make in relation to your long distance relationship.

1) Believe in Yourself, Your Partner and the Relationship

Throughout the period of a long distance relationship, nothing beats the trust and believes you had in yourself, your partner and the relationship. You can prepare yourself whatever you want but if you do not believe that your long distance relationship will work then, nothing matters anymore. Therefore, you must choose to believe that the relationship will work regardless of all the odds mounting against your relationship.

2) Set Back is a Way to Strengthen your Relationship

There are no such things as a perfect romantic relationship and needless to say when it comes to long distance relationships. Set back is part and parcel of a relationship but how you tune yourself to see the set back is very important. You can choose to see it negatively or positively and the outcome (solutions) derived from what you choose can determine the course of your relationship. Therefore, instead of viewing the set back as a hindrance or threat to your long distance relationship, you must view it as an opportunity for you to strengthen the relationship.

3) You can Choose to Win or Lose

It is our nature to see only the negative side of everything due to lack of self confidence and uncertainties. We do not blame you for having this thought as most of the couples in long distance relationship we work with, expressed the same concern. However do you know that the success rate for long distance relationship couples is as good as any other relationship? Research has proven that the success rate for long distance relationship is as high as 85%. With this data, you can choose to be in the positive 85% or choose to stay in the failure 15%. Therefore if you are serious about your long distance relationship, you must put yourself among the success 85%.

4) Opportunity in Distance

Physical distance in a long distance relationship is not necessary bad to the relationship. Although physical distance prevents you from certain physical activities such as hand holding, kissing, hugging and sex, it does not prevent you from advancing further into the relationship. The physical distance is a good opportunity for you to rediscover the relationship and yourself. You can always take the opportunity to upgrade yourself while your partner is away such as taking up the courses that you have always wanted to take and etc. In fact the distance will also test your patience, the love you had for your partner and as well as the integrity of the relationship itself. Therefore, instead of focusing on what you cannot do over the distance, you can always focus on what you can do to improve your relationship from the distance. What you choose here could really determine whether you are happy or not throughout your long distance relationship.

5) Problem in Communication.

Communication is one of the biggest elements that could either make or break your long distance relationship. Unfortunately, many people believe that they are not going to make it when it comes to communication due to the difficulties, time and cost involve. Instead of looking at the problems, you can always think of the opportunity that comes along. The biggest opportunity here is to learn how to communicate effectively over the distance. The valuable skill cannot be learned anywhere else as distance will automatically sharpen your conversation skill. If you start to think carefully, all other problem mentioned earlier can be solved easily with current available technology (Internet, VOIP phone, email and etc). Therefore, it is proven again that you have the ability to choose what is best for you in regards to long distance communication.

There are two sides to every coin and the above are just some of the examples of the choices you can make in your long distance relationship. How or what you choose really makes the difference throughout the period of your long distance relationship. The choice is at your hand, choose correctly and you will triumph regardless of any relationship. Lastly, I on behalf of Perfect-Relationship.com would like to wish you all the best to your long distance relationship.
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Trust - How to Earn it and Be More Trusting in Family Relationships

2009-12-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

By Sterling Mayfield

Some psychologists tell us that of all issues in a relationship that have an impact on its quality, trust is near the top. Trust has a huge impact on the way we think, the way we behave, and the choices we make. Consequently, trust can make a huge impact on the quality of our relationships. And in the way we view trust and view the way it affects our relationships we often make two mistakes:

Mistake No. 1
We typically view trust in a very limited way. We view it as an absolute. We believe that in a relationship, trust either exists or it doesn't exist. What we fail to see is that trust can exist in certain areas but not in others. If we are to develop trust we must learn to develop it one step at a time in each of its individual areas.

Mistake No. 2
In trying to develop trust we look to others to make changes, rather than looking to the person who potentially is best qualified to make changes--our self. As much as we would like to believe we can influence change in others, the truth is, lasting and meaningful change can only happen within us if we, ourselves, make it happen. Change comes from certain attitudes such as commitment, understanding, acceptance, and willingness to pay necessary prices. Changes-or improvements-in these attitudes can only come from within ourselves.

Now, let's look at how trust-or the absence of trust-can affect our relationships. Then, we'll look at how we can earn trust and how we can develop our ability to trust.

Elements of Trust
First, we need to better understand these two elements of trust:

* 1. trust earned
* 2. trust learned

Each has it's own separate and unique way of deterring fear-or mistrust, and each has its own unique way of promoting greater trust.

So, to begin understanding more about these elements, let us examine them both.

Element #1. Trust Earned
To understand how we can earn trust, let's look at 3 positive components that contribute to a nurturing relationship.

Component A : Understanding
If we are going to expect members of our family to discuss with us certain problems they may have, problems that may involve their hurts, fears, needs, etc., it is essential that they trust us to listen, understand, and withhold judgment and criticism. Unless we are willing and able to do this, we will have little hope of gaining enough of their trust that they will be open with us.

Component B: Honesty
In earning trust from others about our honesty, often we will need to choose between the benefits of being trusted and benefits of deception, such as personal pleasures, recognition, and validation. To earn greater trust we sometimes may find it necessary to be more transparent and vulnerable. The more mistakes, selfishness, and pride we hide from others, the more we invite their mistrust.

Component C: Caring
Few psychologists or human behaviorists will disagree with the premise that being valued and loved is an essential factor in creating and maintaining a loving and trusting relationship. If we are to develop and maintain this kind of thriving relationship we must earn trust from those who need our love and caring, and those we depend on for this love and caring. Such trust can only come from honest and sincere caring and appreciation. Any attempt to create an insincere impression of caring and appreciation, where real caring and appreciation do not truly exist, will eventually backfire and destroy any trust that might have already existed.

Element #2. Trust Learned
Some human behaviorists believe that inability to trust is linked to one of two beliefs or perceptions:

Perception A. Painful Experiences
If we have experienced emotional pain which we believe another person has caused, and if we believe-even if this belief is unconscious-that we are still vulnerable to emotional pain, we will likely find it quite difficult to trust.

Perception B. Failure To Believe In Our Own Empowerment
Some family therapists believe that certain types of mistrust are, in reality, fear of being hurt. Some believe that this mistrust is a defense against emotional pain. They will tell you that the person who has found a way to a) resist or avoid emotional pain, or b) rebound from emotional pain, is less likely to fear emotional pain. This person is, therefore, more likely to trust. The person who has gained greater empowerment has learned from experience that a well-developed sense of empowerment not only can reduce the severity of pain but can also reduce its frequency. In either case, he will have less need to protect himself, less need to fear, and less need to mistrust.

So, if we are willing to learn more about ourselves and the changes we can make to earn trust and to learn to trust, we will have taken the first step in developing these two kinds of trust. And having learned and developed them, ourselves, we can be more assured that others in our family will also learn and develop them.
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The Intricacies of Family Relationships

2009-12-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

By Bonnie Moss

This is the 21st century. There are so many more factors and issues that add stress to relationships. There are more demands on time, higher expectations, more toys and gadgets, high-stress careers or profession. Each member of a family needs more space, more independence and more freedom

Patience, perseverance, tolerance, convenience and self-sacrifice kept relationships together in the past centuries. There was a strong sense of family and community. Domestic squabbles were kept private. Families work on their issues and try to resolve these as best as they can. Going separate ways was not an answer even if it was the only answer. Life was simpler. There was more time to spend with family and friends.

Today, people are more aware and protective of their space, independence and privacy. People want more. Technology is very much part of life today. There are pros and cons. This is supposed to provide more convenience to our daily lives. Little did we know that a technology driven society develops an addiction to the toys and gizmos that consume a lot of time. Most everyone today need to be wired, including the younger ones. It’s part of the wardrobe.

High maintenance lifestyle is mainly geared to the material and physical side. This contributes to the fragility of relationships. Add to this the perennial shortage of time, there are never not enough hours in the day. With so much materialism in our society, financial and economic issues become a burden some face with blinders on till a crisis topples
their tower.

Raising children today seems to get more and more complicated. There is so much to want, to do, to have even when resources are limited. These young ones are more demanding. With the advent of technology, so much information is available at a very young age. This younger generation of technologically smart children have a good grasp on how to use this technology. They are indeed better informed than the previous generation at the same age.

Downside to this is that young children develop a strong sense of independence when they should be enjoying the warmth and comfort of a loving hand, holding them, re-assuring them and protecting them. They are growing up too fast, mature too soon and miss out on the simplicity, joy and innocence of childhood years. They spend too much time in the electronic playground.

Family relationships have its own complications and intricacies. Some children go their own way leaving their parents behind and at times, neglected and forgotten. Or the other way- parents give up on their offspring.

Siblings go in different directions, separated by distance or financial and social status, or even by beliefs. They become strangers to one another. This is sad. There is a common bond between siblings that is their birth- right which can not or should not be broken.

Families forget that it is not that difficult to stay connected if we only take a few minutes to take the time to drop a line or to call. Time is a welcome gift especially during special days- just a few precious minutes can fill the void. If shared more often, this strengthens the relationship and family members will no longer be strangers to one another.

Family is supposed to provide a solid base for society. But, the reality is that it is less complicated to cement ties with friends than with one’s own blood relatives.
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Tips on How to Repair Your Family Relationship Rightly!

2009-12-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

By Kirthy Shetty

Is enough care being taken by family members, where in both the husband and wife are career oriented. Kids don't have enough of knowledge about their own culture, ethnicity and how diverse it is from others. Their lifestyle varies in comparison to the rest of them. You find more and more strained family relationship too.

Kids are often left at daycare center while older ones spend the whole day at school. They sometimes do not even have enough time to talk about their individual lives let alone spend a day of fun together.
But building good relationships with one's children does not really have to be spent the whole day.

How can you improve your strained relationship?

Small tips for you to repair your relationship. Even short conversation, small gestures of love and affection, kissing or caressing the little ones, or your spouse can make a lot of difference in your life. Little things that you do everyday whether they be for an hour or for just a few minutes are enough especially when done with sincerity and commitment to strengthening and enhancing the bonds that you have with your spouse and children if any.

Take enough time for one another by going on dates with your spouse or having family outings. It's amazing what an excursion can do for a family like yours. You don't do the talking all the time, lend a patient ear to your partner or kids too. Listen what he/she has to say about his office or school. Have dinner together or saying prayers together can build a strong solidarity.

Parents with mobile phones for instance can keep track of their older children through mobile phones. Messages left in a family bulletin board or posted on the refrigerator are also great ways of maintaining your presence in your child's life. Help them in whatever small way you can, probably a presentation or some project. Gifting them something once a while shows that you care for them.

Another effective way in building family relationships is finding a common ground and making compromises not only on your schedules but also on your various interests. It is a good idea to take turns going to your favorite places when out on a family trip. Take their opinion on where they would want to go, rather than forcing up on your choice on them.
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Family Relationships

2009-12-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

By Kent Pinkerton

The most reliable and true relationship is the one that a person has with his family. A family represents a variety of relationships that influence our lives right from birth to old age. Family relationships not only provide food and shelter but also serve as a shoulder to lean on, in case of trouble. As morals and values are generally attained through family relationships, the family plays a vital role in sustaining and preparing an individual for life in society. Strong family relationships, marked by intimacy and honesty, offer a sense of shared identity and long lasting joy and fulfillment.

As it is integral to social and emotional development, parenthood or parent-child relationship is considered the core of a family. But, nowadays, it is often seen that parents work for long hours and do not have enough time to spare for their children. Little ones are usually left at home or in child care centers. By the time parents reach home, the child will be asleep. Building good relationships does not require a whole day. But, little conversations and gestures of comfort will definitely help to build a sound foundation.

Among the different ways of building healthy family relationships is to schedule time for small talk with family members including the spouse, parents and children. Hugging or kissing kids when you return home after work is a great way to express your love and concern. Similarly, leaving messages when you are away from home is also effective to maintain communication. In addition, it is important to have a parent's physical presence during children's school activities such as school presentations, school plays, sporting events and teacher conferences.

For a fulfilling family environment, it is necessary to be with them when your children or dear ones yearn for your presence. Extremely busy persons can schedule a family getaway at least once a month. Likewise, dialogue meetings around the dinner table at least once a week are healthy. This gives each member of the family an opportunity to speak out his opinions on various topics. Family reunions must also be arranged occasionally to build healthy family relationships.
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Use Wedding Planning Skills and Guest List to Build Close Family Relationships For Your Marriage

2009-12-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

By Ann Keeler Evans

In the long run, you're going to walk away from your wedding (well, many of you will!) marveling at how wonderful it was to see your whole family gathered around and wondering why you never get together just to hang out.

Your family's are going to be so happy to have caught up with one another's lives and stories and maybe to have had one last visit with Great Aunt Jane. Little cousins are going to meet and find out that they really do have families.

Our lives are so different from 2 generations ago, when people mostly grew up and married in the same towns in which they'd been born. You saw extended family at church and picnics and holidays. Now we almost always have to travel to see family. We have to divide our time between my family and yours.

We're clannish beings, we human beings, we like being connected. We like looking like our forebears and discovering that we have similar interests as people we're related to.

Now, because you have this great list with everyone's name on it, you can work at getting connected. You can (easily) become the family organizer. Take the skills you used setting up your wedding home page to set up an on-line home for your families. Plan a reunion. Find ways to stay in touch and keep others in touch in both virtual and real ways. You'll be surprised who wants to be "in" the family.

1. Set up a Facebook page for your family (families?): It may be that your parents enjoyed getting to know one another. Connect people. Ask for recipes, genealogies, knitting patterns or instructions in changing the oil in your car or a light bulb. Make it a club people want to join. It doesn't take much to stir the pot. And most people from grandma on down are on Facebook.
2. Plan a Family Work Day: Choose a favorite charity and go spend a day working together. Picking up trash along a river or helping a disabled person winterize their dwelling is something everyone's willing to do, regardless of political affiliations! Plan a picnic or a barbecue at the end of the day.
3. Plan a Family Retreat: Make it big. Find a church camp where you can all stay off season, invite families from both sides and invite your sibs to invite their families from both sides. Take walks, play games, cook together and have an all around great time. The kids will all get to know one another, the elders can explain the ins and outs of social medicine to one another and you've had a cheap and fun weekend!

There are plenty of other ways to keep your families connected and growing. Each one of them keeps you working together on your marriage and your family. It helps your families view you as a couple they want to support. And that's the way it should be! You've got the skills. Now put them to use, building a community that will support your marriage's health and well-being!
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The conflict reached blow-out proportions on occasion

2009-12-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

If you are having a tough time with your mother-in-law, I've been there and I know how painful it is! At the beginning of our marriage my in-laws openly and covertly criticized me. The conflict reached blow-out proportions on occasion. Marriage and raising children are challenging enough without conflict with our in-laws. I wouldn't wish in-law troubles on anyone. Fortunately, I found a better way that I am going to share with you.

So what was the key to transforming my relationship with my in-laws? I had the fortune to take a course from a woman, Suzanne Raja of Warrior Sage. She shared her story of going from in-laws who were dead-set against her, to being the adored daughter-in-law. Even better, Suzanne didn't sacrifice her values or do anything she didn't want to do in order to win them over. I vowed to follow her approach, and the results have been so wonderful!

Just to assure you that our conflict was real, I'll describe a few of the challenges we faced during the first few years of our marriage. One memorable blow-out occurred while we were visiting them at Christmas. My husband Rob and I were lying in bed when we heard his mom and dad loudly criticizing my sister-in-law and I because 4 dishes were left in the sink after we'd had ice cream! Rob got up and blew up at them for singling out his wife and sister-in-law. (We never can tell if the dishes were clean or dirty in their dishwasher, which is why all four of us had left them in the sink in the first place!) It was an awful confirmation for my sister-in-law and myself that they were harsh and damning in their criticism of us.

After the birth of our first child, things got worse. I was struggling with a colicky baby and the transition into parenting. I felt that I couldn't measure up to their expectations, and I resented them for not seeing me for who I am. My husband was great about taking my side, but it was not fun for any of us, and I envisioned decades of misery with them.

We soon had another memorable blow-out when we set a boundary around their visits. Given how criticized I felt by them and their unrealistically high standards, I was not okay with them calling and announcing that they were coming down the next day for a multiple day visit! This happened often, until Rob put his foot down. It was a very unpleasant experience; they immediately packed up and stormed out of our house, vowing to never return.

I hated being in a battle with my husband's parents. So I was receptive when the solution was presented to me. Rob and I were at a great course called Sex, Passion and Enlightenment. The woman, Suzanne Raja, shared how when she first met her husband's family, they were dead set against her. Her parents are Jamaican and his parents are East Indian. They were not okay with their son choosing a woman from another race.

Suzanne's reaction was brilliant. She choose not to stay stuck in their rejection of her, which clearly was not personal; they would have rejected any other woman of her race. Instead, she set an intention that she would win them over, and she did. Suzanne could have chosen to be right about how ignorant her in-laws were being, but instead she choose a path that brought her in-laws out of the ignorant place they were in, and created peace for generations to come.

As I listened to her, seven or eight years into our marriage, I was struck by the beauty and brilliance of her decision. I could see clearly the two paths diverging in the woods, and I wanted off the well-trodden one. I could see that my in-laws' rejection of me was a type of culture shock; our families were polar opposite in most ways. My in-laws weren't actually seeing me, much as Suzanne's in-laws hadn't seen past the color of her skin.

Once I was able to make this simple but profound shift in perspective, my actions changed. In another article I talk about the importance of beginning with your vision for your family. Our vision for our family is a powerful tool for creating the family you want. Once I had the vision of me slowly winning his parents over, our conflict began to fade. Over the next few years, without me even being that aware of when it happened, his parents ceased to be the enemy and we began to genuinely love each other. As my attitude changed, so did theirs.

Now it is hard for me to remember fighting with my in-laws. I adore them now, and I know they adore me. I enjoy their visits and don't feel that my house has to be perfect and the kids angels in order to meet their approval. I don't feel judged, and I am not the harsh critic of them that I was. I appreciate them for bringing my husband into the world and doing the best that they knew how with him. We still have profound differences in how we choose to lead our lives, but I am able to love them anyways, and they me.

What a gift for myself, my husband and kids! I grew up well-aware of my parents' issues with in-laws. It hurt because those in-laws were my biological relatives so I felt involved in the conflict somehow. That was one of the reasons I hated being in so much conflict with my in-laws. Ironically the pattern was everywhere; my mother-in-law and hers had issues too! I was tired of the conflict that robbed us of the joy of family times, and I am so grateful that it is long done!

At first I confess I was in a negative enough space that my motivation was partly arrogance. I felt that the fact I was smart enough to take the upper hand and fix this bad situation proved my superiority. I'm glad that I evolved past that arrogance. However, even though I wish I could have been more purely altruistic, the most important thing is I changed my focus. Eventually that helped me get into a more altruistic place.

So thank you Suzanne and Satyen Raja for your amazing course, and for sharing this gold nugget of wisdom! You changed a negative pattern that had existed in both of our families for generations. You helped me to be a better person, mom, wife, and daughter-in-law while also making me so much happier. I love my in-laws now and feel truly blessed to have them in my life.
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Family Relationships: Deliberate or Default?

2009-12-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

By Natalie Tucker Miller

Have you ever given thought to how your family members relate to one another?

Not the kind of thought that criticizes how someone acts or what someone says, rather an investigative look at how your family interacts with one another on a regular basis.

The movie "Little Miss Sunshine" reminded me of how precious our relationships are, and that we seldom stop to contemplate how these interactions impact ourselves, others and our family as a whole.

This movie exemplifies fragmented family life, and the wisdom that resides within regardless of obvious discord. Wisdom, however, that is all too often compartmentalized, shut off from the larger perspective of working together for the good of everyone. In the movie, their outcome brings them a step closer to this realization.

I propose we create our family lives on purpose, with purpose rather than by default or habit.

For instance, strength, acceptance, empathy, positive sense of self; these are all qualities we probably all naturally embody, until we feel the stakes are too high.

Which stakes?

Usually an inaccurate sense of who we are. An unwillingness or inability to feel the gut wrenching pain we fear will accompany honesty. The fear that our true selves will be too much for us to face.

Challenge yourself today to pause and observe the way interactions with your family members unfold.

Notice:

* Which rote responses are offered.

* How often there is a reaction without real thought behind it.

Would you be willing to:

* Allow yourself the freedom to not react?

* Give yourself permission, for one day, to ponder what you hear rather than jump in with, what tends to be, a protective reaction?

* Spend some time simply observing the patterns that have emerged?

Often we insidiously become overly concerned with self preservation, and find ourselves in an environment that isn't supporting full engagement, deliberate living nor encouraging feeling our lives fully. Our own oppression becomes so ingrained, we lose the will to self express.

So today, I invite you take a minute, or an hour, or the day, and observe. Witness your automatic reactions to situations or conversations, noting how you show up with different people. Study how others do, as well. Begin to recognize how you would rather interact, how you'd prefer to"be" as a family.

Once you allow your true preferences to emerge, transformation will begin. As we've been told, real change begins from within. Creating the family life of your dreams is an amaz Mother-In-Laws - How to Transform One of the Toughest Family Relationships
By Jacqueline Gr
eening place to start looking inward.
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Learn To Build Solid Family Relationships With Family Love And Awesome Parenting

2009-12-05T14:16:00.000-08:00

By Jerry Hubbard

Parenting is the process of raising and educating a child from birth until adulthood and is usually done in a child's family by the mother and father. Raising a toddler requires time and hard work but the rewards last forever. Your responsibilities as a parent during the toddler years include (but are not limited to) feeding, bathing, potty training, ensuring safety, teaching, and attending to the well-being of the child. Your responsibilities do not stop when children grow up and age. Good mothers and fathers are not afraid to tackle the latest issues facing today's parents.

Parents

We are always concerned about the well being of their offspring. They explain to their children how to behave, assuming that they taught the rules of behavior as they did the rules of traffic. They believe that children have positive and negative qualities, the latter of which parents should "weed out" or "prune" into an appropriate shape. We should make efforts to be aware of their adolescents activities, provide guidance, direction, and consultation. If we expect that children will sometimes act in ways that are inappropriate or undesirable, but prepare for such behavior by involving our children in the formulation of rules and consequences, we may discover that the joy is in the journey, and heaven is found along the way.

Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow. Talk to other parents (here is a surprise, your mother and father have a degree in raising children) about what's on your mind. When misbehavior does occur, those who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules.

Family

To provide an atmosphere of peace and justice in family, where no one's dignity is encroached upon both the mother and the father must provide leadership. A family model where children are expected to explore their surroundings with protection from their parents requires a continual review of their choices. Without a support network of helpful friends or family, the work of parenting can be difficult. You may find the best source of help and encouragement within you own families.

After all you have two sets of experts that are willing and waiting to be consulted. Juggling a family, a career and a relationship with our significant other can be a challenge for any family and the children are most at risk. As a family discuss individual and family goals. How many times a week do you do something together as a family? (Include dinner, going out together, family events, etc.) Discussion of changes to the family routine can be started at a weekly get together so that every member of the family can consider the proposed change and voice their concerns.

Kids

Kids are not that hard to teach since they will always listen to what you have to say as long as what we have to say makes sense. Here's an idea, live what you preach. If mom or dad have bad habits their kids are certainly not going to listen to advice about eliminating their bad habits. Kids aren't a stupid. If you are concerned about their weight you need to set a time and go outside with them for a walk or a game of some kind. How can it be that parents don't realize their own kids are fat? Unhealthy eating habits not only produce long term health issues but destroy self esteem.

Get your kids to give their time to helping others in need. Build good habits early and they will last a life time. For kids bad habits are a kind of necessity, comfort, entertainment and luxury. However, kids need to be told that their habits, apart from being annoying to their parents, can cause harm to them also. What can kids do when they feel ignored or overlooked? Many are playing organized sports, and parents are seeing good habits formed, team work, body fitness and an improved sense of self worth.

Health

It is our responsibility as parents to provide physical safety, shelter, clothes, nourishment and to protect our children from dangers. Developing a child physically refers to providing conditions for the healthy growth of the child. It is extremely important to develop healthy habits in our children at a very early age. Physical activity is a necessary part of developing the child. We hear a lot about the dangers of obesity in children. Being overweight brings serious health concerns for children including diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels and increased stress on joints. It certainly is a real downer if all the child hears is don't eat this or eat only this because it is good for you.

The alternative to nagging your child is to develop their love for activity. You may have noticed that little kids love to run, jump, roll around and generally tear up their surroundings. That is a natural trait and if you develop that love of physical activity they will burn a lot of calories thereby reducing the need to diet all the time.

Parents need to realize that actions have consequences. If the only thing you and your children eat is fast food or packaged foods you will get fat. Why? Those food choices need to use things that cause weight gain in order to taste good, stay fresh and look good. If you or your kids can't bear to give up hot dogs or pizza, then check out a healthier alternative. Look for easy, healthy recipes to feed your family. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Conclusion

Parenting toddlers requires emotionally sound parents and guardians. Parenting is the most important thing we do. It is too important to leave to chance and too important to be approached defensively or by reaction. Who does the majority of the parenting? Mothers and fathers naturally, but a support network of helpful friends or family helps share the work of parenting. It can be difficult and stressful but keeping the end result in mind will lighten the load.

Good parenting includes, keeping your child safe, showing affection and listening to your child, providing order and consistency, setting and inforcing limits, spending time with your child, monitoring your child's friendships and activities and most important leading by example. Your children will copy everything you do good or bad. Take a look in the mirror to see how your child sees you.
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How to Enhance Family Relationships by Valuing Individual Strengths

2009-12-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

By Nathan Bryce

There are at least two sides to every issue. However, when push comes to shove, and family issues get involved, we often forget (or even ignore) this fact. In families, the whole may indeed be greater than the sum of its parts. The effect of the parts, however, cannot be denied.

Your family is comprised of a mixture of Blue, Gold, Green, and Orange temperaments. Each of those temperaments brings to the table an assortment of strengths and values. This is what makes each family as unique as each temperament that composes its makeup. The trick is learning to understand and value each member as part of the larger whole.

Meet the Talberts

Susan (Gold-Blue) and her husband Sam (Orange-Green) have been together for several years. When asked, both say that they are good communicators. As their relationship has progressed, both have noticed that communication about everyday things is a little strained. Susan laments that Sam doesn't listen when she asks him to do simple household tasks. Sam complains that Susan focuses too much on trivial tasks.

From her perspective, Susan's communication about completing everyday tasks is one of the ways that she indicates her concern and affection for Sam. Being primarily Gold, one of her strengths is the ability to organize the details of life and she naturally communicates love and respect through the things that she does for her family.

Sam, on the other hand, likes to live in the moment. Being primarily Orange, he is relaxed and casual about everyday tasks. He sees no immediate need to pick up clothes or make the bed. These are tasks that will be there to do later. Sam feels that days are meant to be active and full. The tasks Susan would like him to complete are not perceived as a means to that end.

What Can Be Done?

The answer to the Talbert's communication issue is not one of right or wrong. It is one of understanding. Sam needs to examine the requested tasks from Susan's perspective. Susan needs to view the requests from Sam's perspective. In short, they both need to understand what is motivating the behavior (or lack of behavior) in each other.

Once this couple sees both perspectives, they can then work on an effective solution. For example, Sam and Susan might set aside a half hour each day designated to picking up the house together. Or, Susan might agree to be in charge of pick-up duties while Sam becomes responsible for doing the cooking or the laundry. Then once the chores are done, they are both free to do other things. Regardless of the solution, both parties must come to some sort of mutual agreement.

Theory into Practice

The case of Sam and Susan is an example that we can use everyday within our families. Anytime we look through the glasses of our own personality style to the exclusion of the other styles that are present in our households, we set ourselves (and our families) up for some stressful times. Here are some ways we can value Blue, Gold, Green, and Orange people:

Blue

* Spend quality time with them.
* Listen to their concerns, and avoid providing solutions until they are requested.
* Allow them to foster compromise and cooperation between family members.
* Provide opportunities for creative development and celebrate individuality.

Gold

* Recognize their efforts and achievements.
* Make concerted efforts to be punctual and orderly.
* Clearly define expectations for behavior, tasks, and the overall relationship.
* Make and keep commitments, including the commitment to cleanliness and organization.

Green

* Give them the space and freedom to think and plan.
* Encourage them to voice their opinions and support their continued drive to learn.
* Help them accomplish the little details of the day without reducing their feeling of competency.
* Let them be the expert in a subject of their choice.

Orange

* Recognize their skills and talents.
* Allow them time to be active and spontaneous.
* Support their need to take risks and stretch limits.
* Provide them outlets for their competitive nature.

We must recognize and support the preferences and values of those within our family structure. We must learn to look beyond our own preferences and values to those of others. Only when we truly see an issue or task from an alternative point-of-view can we begin to develop plans and paths for successful communication.
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Family Relationships in Stress

2009-11-29T14:09:00.000-08:00

By Daniela Roher

In general adult children want their parents to approve of their choices of intimate partners, because these are seen as reflections of who we are. At the other end, parents may have pre-conceived ideas of who their children should choose as life partners. When children's expectations and parents' do not match, conflicts are likely to arise.

There are many reasons for these conflicts stemming from two broad areas. One has to do with the nature of love. "Love is blind", as the say goes. When we are in love, our perception of our loved one is distorted: we see only what we want to see.

The other area of conflict has to do with the changes introduced in a closely knit social and emotional group by the addition of a new member.

These conflicts not only affect parents and adult children's relationships with one another, but can also affect the relationship between adult children and their life partners in either direction, by making them closer to one another, or by creating a wedge in their relationship. Which direction this takes depends on different circumstances and the quality of all relationships involved.

Disapproval of one's choice of life partner can draw the two lovers closer to one another, as they feel they are alone against the world. Love gets stronger in adversities, as the Romeo and Juliet story reminds us. Or, the adult child may crush under the pressure of parental disapproval and questions his or her decisions, weakening the bond with the significant other.

What is there to do if one finds him/herself in this situation?

It is important for all parties not to be defensive, but keep an open mind and open communication with one another. It is relevant to listen to what each person has to say, but in the end make one's own decision.

There is some truth in what parents are seeing and there is truth in what adult children are seeing. So the subject should not be avoided but discussed, because it won't go away but, if ignored, will go underground and fester,. Even if uncomfortable, all parties should engage in a dialogue where each can express their viewpoints and feelings. Everybody involved should be respectful of differences of opinion, without trying to impose their opinion on anyone else, no matter on which side of the equation they stand. In some cases, one needs to agree to disagree, if different views cannot be reconciled.

If communication is difficult, family or couple counseling can help clarify the issues and address the feelings involved. Counseling can provide a safe forum for each family member to express their opinions without fears of retaliation. Identifying, addressing and understanding the issues can prevent making extreme, irreversible decisions later.

If you are a parent, to be vocal in a forceful way about your views can backfire and strengthen the very relationship you are trying to discourage. Remember this golden rule: GIVE YOUR OPINION ONLY IF ASKED. The most important lesson to be learned from this experience is that it challenges one's limitations and prejudices, and thus becomes a growing experience for all involved.

If you are an adult child, listen to your parents with an open mind, and integrate this information in making your own decision. Hopefully your family's input will help you see elements that might have escaped you. For all involved, this situation creates new boundaries that determine how relationships are to be maintained from now on. These should be based on mutual respect, acceptance and good will.
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Causes and Effects of Dysfunctional Family Relationships

2009-11-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

By Kiki Bakker

To raise a healthy child requires consistent reliable diligence, love, kindness, effective communication and the ability to apply reasonable parameters and boundaries of discipline in the home. Understandably, financial and emotional provisions are standard necessities if one is to raise a balanced family and have a reasonable lifestyle. When parents repeatedly fail to deliver their roles with awareness and sensitivity to each member of the family, the family unit may become unbalanced. Difficult behaviours may result in one or all of the family members. Dysfunctional relationships occur and are maintained when the action and communication lines are continuously breeched and broken and cannot be restored for the benefit of each party.

The infant is designed positively at birth to receive a level of quality nurturing from its biological care givers. Apart from the infant's absolute dependency, all infants come into this world with physiological and emotional needs that ought to be considered responsibly and lovingly as they grow and develop. The family environment that parents create plays an important role in determining how an infant will be raised and whether it will be a well adjusted child, teenager and finally, a responsible adult, who in turn will rear its own well orientated family.

Long term deprivation, neglect or abuse of specific needs (caused by insensitive parenting roles), are able to affect a child's development, emotional responses and personality formation. These behaviours will readily transfer from parents to their offspring. If dysfunctional role modelling and communication have occurred within the family without any intervention and no behaviour modifications are managed in the individual's lifetime, the transmission of these behaviours is probable and will very likely prevail into the next generation.

Frequent displays of negative (or absent) communication and behaviour, by one or more persons within the family, which are ultimately difficult for the family members to cope with, will seep into the family, creating a dysfunctional set of relationships. Each individual in the family may encounter a level of reaction while relationships spiral and change into a fixed pattern of responses that deal with what they are experiencing. These burdening moments defy the norm. Families may be openly oblivious of these events and may accept the havoc as it comes because this is what they are used to, while others unused to the change may grasp for unusual coping mechanisms or hopefully, realistic and humane solutions to avoid their re-occurrence.

All families experience their unique troubles and problems at some stage or another. In all fairness, these events should pass. We all know this. Life in this millennium is not designed to be a straight line without hitches and bumpy rides now and again. However, when problems re-occur frequently in the home, parents need to be aware of them and pay attention to their remedy if they are to avoid permanently dysfunctional relationships within the family.

Symptoms that may be the cause or effect of the dysfunctional family may include one or more of these consistent behaviours:

- Difficult parents without adequate flexibility and insight
- Absent parenting style (there, but not there)
- Ridicule or belittling, or over-criticizing
- Prejudice towards one or more family members
- Mixed feelings of love and hate
- Faulty communication
- Lack of attentiveness to issues of importance (brush off, downplay or avoidance)
- Lack of care or concern for the needs of another (absent care or denial)
- Lacking in the ability to empathise with children, siblings or parents
- Dual values and double standards, or lack of clear boundaries
- Diminished ability to make decisions
- Over-interest or micro management of one member or the entire family
- Insensitivity towards other family member(s)
- Emotional intolerance
- Emotional outbursts
- Emotional insecurities
- Depression, deep rooted anxiety and feelings of gloom and despair
- Childish behaviours in adults
- Poor self image and worth, or lack of sufficient self identity
- Controlled/contrived speech or stifled speech
- Verbal abuse which others must tolerate
- Sexual or physical abuse that other members must accommodate
- Overworked family environment lacking any family fun (workaholic - no recreation)
- Perfectionist behaviours, over-demanding parents or children
- Disowning behaviours of parents or children
- Isolation or inadequate socialising with others
- Narcissistic parents or children
- Rule-by-fear parenting
- Bullying (to re-gain the upper hand)
- Growing up too fast because of advanced roles
- Reduction of roles and responsibilities caused by over protectiveness
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Advice-Family Relationship Tips

2009-11-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

By Shevach Pepper

A wise elderly man once gave me important advice: family relationships between siblings begin with the parents.

Let me explain. I grew up in New England with four siblings. Today this family of five, are all married, have children and even grandchildren and are spread over three continents; two stayed in North America, I and one sister live in the Middle East, and my baby sister lives in South Africa. Despite our geographical distances we all keep in touch. We all know what is doing with each other's children and grandchildren (and there are a lot of them!) and we frequently speak to each other on the phone. We also attend our nieces and nephews weddings when it is possible. (International flights are not cheap!)

I used to wonder how did we become so close ? We weren't particularly nice to each other when we were growing up; we were just average kids who fight and bicker. And more than this, my youngest sister is twelve years younger than my older brother and they didn't really even grow up with each other, and they are also very close! How did this closeness happen?

I discovered the answer in January 2001 right after my father passed away. We were sitting in my mother's house reminiscing old times and someone asked if anyone ever saw Daddy and Mommy fighting or arguing with each other. None of us remembered any time that they fought and we only remembered one or two times that they even had different opinions on things that went on in the house. A few hours later an old friend of mine who lived in my house for a few years while in high school (his parents moved abroad) came by to offer his condolences. We asked him the same question and he laughed and answered, "I don't remember any time, but I'm sure they did. How can a married couple not argue with each other?!"

This is the reason that me and my siblings are so close despite our geographical distance and age differences. My parents were such role models for closeness that, almost like osmosis, we learnt to became close.

Here are a few tips on how to get the message of family closeness to your children:

1. Never discuss "heated" family issues in front of children. Discuss the issues when they are not around and present only your joint conclusion to them.

2. Never make fun of your spouse, even jokingly, when the children are around

3. Show how you are concerned for your spouse in front of the children.

Imagine for a minute how never arguing or disagreeing with your spouse in front of the children will affect your children and empower them to be close with one and other, their spouses, and their children for years and years to come.
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Advice: Family Relationships That Are Becoming Dead - Improve By Jumping Into Their Head!

2009-11-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

By Shevach Pepper

Do you want to hear some good advice: Family relationships that are strained are saved by getting into their world.

Do you like to get up before dawn and to be tired, aching, and hungry all day? If you do like it, then find a hiking path and go on it with your children. I personally don't like it. I didn't like it when I was young and now that I'm almost fifty one, I surely don't like it. But my teenage children do, so listen what happened.

Three autumns ago (August '04), right after one of my children started a new high-school, things were tense between us. He was nervous of the new move, I was nervous of the new move and he felt my worry. This was in reality a no confidence vote in him which doesn't create a great relationship. He avoided me, was quiet around me, and wasn't too helpful in the house. My wife reminded me that he loves to hike so she suggested that one weekend I take him on nice long one day hike to see if this will help matters.

Like I said before, I don't know why people like to strain themselves and get tired but I listened to her and did something that HE likes and something that makes HIM feel good.

It was like magic! In the beginning of the trail things were like usual; quiet and tense. However when we started to walk through the forest he (and even me) started to joke and to hum songs together. When all of a sudden this huge pond appeared in front of us (they didn't tell about this before I started) and we had to swim across he laughed and almost giggled which was something that he didn't do in a long time. (In spite of my bruises and scrapes I also laughed). By the time we got home he spoke a little of his fears of the new school and other feelings that he had about the school. The change was unbelievable.

The bottom line and my advice : family relationships that are strained are saved by putting yourself into THEIR world and doing what THEY like to do. When you do this, they feel comfortable and are able to talk and connect to you more freely. It is surely worth the few (?) aches and pains that you endure!
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The Benefits of Music With Children and Family Relationships

2009-11-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

By Marc Herstein

From within the womb music can begin to advance our intelligence and shape our future. The comfort you feel in your prenatal state associates with the sounds outside the belly, triggering a state of calm when you hear the same sounds in the future outside world. As a toddler, I remember when my dad used to sing me to sleep, little did I know it would help mold the person I am today. Music can play a crucial roll in developing the mental, physical and emotional growth of a human being. It can also be used as a tool to strengthen family relationships and bridge generation gaps.

Music inspires creativity by stimulating the imagination of children at an early age. As a child, when we hear a song that touches on things familiar and symbolic to everyday life such as a favorite color, animal, or food, we begin to visualize and stretch our imagination. This exercise sets a tone for creativity later in life. It also provides a tool for expression that perpetuates our creative abilities.

Music builds coordination. Human beings have an inner rhythm. Our heart beats to a rhythm, we breathe in rhythm, and we even communicate in rhythm. When children become in tune to the rhythm of a song, they sway, tap, and shout syncing in to the music. We begin to develop physical coordination in unison to the sounds that we hear as infants.

Music develops self awareness. Every culture has its own anthem or song that represents them. Many cultures create a unique sound and style that explains who they are. We learn very much about our purpose, sense of self, and place in the universe through the music that is around us.

Music Reduces Stress. The emotion we feel from soothing music can actually slow down your heart and ease tension in your body. A warm lullaby sung by grandma can be a potent sleep medication for babies. The endorphins our brain releases through music can trigger emotions of happiness, excitement, bliss and calm that all contribute to stress release.

Music is healthy for you. One thing music does for sure is make you move. We dance, jump, shake, wave, nod, make faces and do funny things to music. It is a tool that can be used for exercise and physical fitness. The entire family can work up a sweat together right in the living room and complete the amount of daily physical exercise recommended by health experts all through listening to music.

Music Advances social skills. As a child, when we learn the words to a song it builds confidence. From the moment the song begins we know we can impress our parents, grandparents, and friends by singing along with the song. We become comfortable with moving to the music and learn how to interact with people through it. We discover dancing with partners, singing in groups, and even creating sounds with each other by tapping on surfaces and clapping our hands. This early interactive behavior can instill confidence with those who might ordinarily be shy. It provides a tool to advance our social skills and communicate on higher levels.

Music Bonds the family together. From lullabies to birthday songs music plays a valuable roll in uniting family. We can re-arrange our favorite songs catering them to our childrens liking, improvise made up language and expressive movement, and communicate our love and admiration for one another through music. Grandparents can cross generations of time, communicating intimately with a child before it knows how to speak by using music as a communication tool. Music is the fountain of youth, the bridge to understanding, and the power to unite.

I was 9 years old in 1983 when my parents bought me my first 3 albums: Michael Jackson "Thriller", the Police "Synchronicity" and Billy Joel "glass houses". I am so thankful to have received such a diverse collection of music. The music I was introduced to as a child helped me to make choices, build relationships, discover preferences, and sharpen my perception of the world around me.

Music can strengthen the bond between distant family members. A child can deepen the love they have for their far away grandparents by singing songs over the phone, or "video visiting" online. Music is the bridge between generations that allow us to communicate with our grandparents from birth.

Whether you practice the enjoyment of singing traditional family songs with your children, or practice the scientific approach of musical advancement and psychological development, the benefits of music for children at an early age are endless. Music brings family together. Music is the key to a complete human being.
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Affects of Family Relationships on Children

2009-11-14T07:08:00.000-08:00

By Anurag Ahluwalia

Family relationships are important and children should grow up in a loving and supportive family unit. However, difficulties in relationships are often common, such as constant arguing, and physical abuse which can result in parents finding it difficult to live together so they eventually separate or divorce.

Children are seriously affected by this experience. They often feel upset, worried and sad. The way in which the child copes with this situation varies depending on how the parents separate, the age of the child and how much support they get from their parents, family and friends.

Children often feel angry at one or both parents or guilty as they may think that they are responsible for the separation. They may worry about the future, often feeling unfamiliar and unsafe, especially if they have to move homes or move in with a new family. These often lead to children feeling a sense of loss and rejection.

It is important to open all lines of communication so that children can talk about what is happening with their parents and are able to ask questions about it. Parents often feel that children are too young to understand what is going on. However, children can sense when things are not right and not knowing exactly what is happening may create a lot of confusion and worry. If you feel that you are unable to talk to one or both parents, then try speaking to a teacher, relative or close friend who can support you and help you talk to your parents. Carrying on with your usual routine such as going to school and engaging in activities also helps. Spending time with family and friends who can reassure and support whilst parents resolve their differences will help alleviate some of the worry and distract you from what can be a very stressful time.
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Family Relationships Problems - Step One To Fix Them Up

2009-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

By Shevach Pepper

Face it, relationships are TOUGH! Family relationships are even tougher, though. Think about it, you are close to the person, probably live in the same house together. They know you, your quirks, your moods - and how to push your buttons. The key to surviving relationship problems, however, is to take control of the situation. No, no, no, this does not mean strong arming your family member and beating them into submission. What it means is taking ownership of the areas that you CAN control. What exactly can you control in these situations? YOU! Recently, a 12 year old boy, Moe, was having social problems that affected both his family relationships and his peer relationships. When asked to write a story about a 5th grade boy who was having problems with friends in his school, he responded in an interesting manner. This is a part of what he wrote,

"He (the 5th grade boy) came back to me after recess a little teary eyed. I said to him, 'Maybe there is something I can do to help you?' He answered, 'There is nothing you can do to change them.' I said back to him, 'That's right. We can't change them, we can only change you and the way you look at things'(Moe Eirdad, grade 7)"

This little boy, Moe, who was himself having social problems, recognized that (better than many adults) the most important lesson in creating and maintaining better relationships is that it all begins (and ends) with you. You can't change other people and you certainly can't change their behavior, but you can change how they affect you. If you allow them to push your buttons, they will. However, only you control how you react to them and how you are affected by them. John Miller in "QBQ! The Question Behind" offers some very good advice and gives a very clear, concise pattern to train your brain to take responsibility of a situation and therefore change it. 1. Ask "what" and "how" questions. As in the case of Moe, he questioned, "What can I do that may encourage the other children to include me in their games?" and, "How can I control how they affect me when they make fun of me?" Do not ask "why" questions. Why questions take away your empowerment and further victimize you. 2. Only use the word "I." Ask, "What can I do?" "How do I..." Never bother to ask THEY do..." You can't change "they," you can only change you and how your react to them. As Moe said, "We can't change them." 3. Take action! Don't get bogged down in the questions and analysis of the situation. Move forward quickly and do something! Control the things that you can - you and how others affect you. Let go of trying to control the things that you can't control - others and their behaviors. When you allow someone else to push your buttons and get you upset, then THEY are in control of the situation. When you take control of yourself and take charge of how they can affect you, then YOU are the one in control - and they can't push your buttons any more.For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

Healing Family Relationships - Love and the Gift of Spiritual Awareness

2009-11-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

By Mashubi Rochell

Bringing healing to family relationships can be one of the most difficult aspects of the spiritual healing process. The reason for this is that we choose to incarnate within our specific families for the purpose of healing and growth, which often challenges us deeply to the core of our being. For many of us it may feel as though healing is exactly the opposite of what we are receiving with our families, as we endure the difficulties and limitations of our relationships with our parents and siblings.

Before incarnating, we choose families which can bring to the surface specific issues and themes that our soul wishes to explore, learn about and heal. Often these issues are challenging and bring to the surface discomfort that we would prefer go avoid rather than face. Some people deal with this discomfort by placing blame on their parents or the situation they were born into, which provides a temporary outlet for the emotional pain they have experienced, but ultimately prevents the free flow of love, light and healing in the heart.

As we grow personally and spiritually, there comes a time when we are called to release ourselves from the emotional pain we have carried from our childhood. There are steps in this process, which may taker a shorter or longer time, or which may involve many lifetimes of learning.

The first step we take is to become conscious of the pain we are carrying. If we have repressed these feelings, they will emerge when we are ready to face them. Sometimes an event such as an illness or a loss can illuminate feelings we have buried or forgotten. Once we become conscious of the pain and allow ourselves to simply feel it, healing can begin. Being with the pain, and bringing it before God is an essential part of the process. In this way we are not alone, as the divine Creator who is All sees, hears and feels with us. This can be done with prayer, intention, meditation, creative expression, or any way that resonates.

Once we have become more conscious of the pain we carry, the next step involves the willingness to let go of our pain. Though on the surface it may seem strange to want to hold onto pain, there are many deep emotions that can become entrenched within us, and wrapped around our sense of self. We unconsciously hold on to the pain, because it is all we have ever known. For example, if we are carrying anger, hurt or betrayal, we are asked to forgive and to move on. If we were the victim of abuse or neglect, we are asked to let go of our anger, and our entitlement to be angry. This part of the process cannot be rushed, which is why it is so important to be willing to feel our emotions fully first. Once this happens, the next step of healing naturally unfolds.

Once we have traversed these steps of becoming conscious, feeling our pain, and being willing to let it go, then we are fully available to receive a deep and complete healing. As we voluntarily empty ourselves of those things we've been holding onto, more of God's love and light can enter our heart, mind and body. The pathways of life begin to open up and reveal new directions, new possibilities, and new choices. Our hearts begin to open and love blossoms, forgiveness becomes a way of being, and spiritual awareness awakens within us. These are the gifts that come through healing family relationships, a heart full of love and trust, unencumbered by the pain of the past.
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Family Relationships in Hard Times

2009-11-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

By Ruth Furr

You're Moving In With WHO ... ?

Family relationships in hard times often suffer from unavoidable stress. An economy in crisis, and families who can no longer pay their way, becomes a combination that might result in unusual survival measures.

During the Great Depression when the government's public welfare department set about to assist folks in need, entire families were moved in with other needy families who happened to have a home large enough to squeeze them all in. Never mind that they were strangers to each other!

A dining room became a combination living and dining room with kitchen privileges. If there were children, a cot was added to a guest bedroom, and an enclosed porch became extra sleeping quarters. Needless to say, house rules were established and observed for the duration. Ideally, the families became friends; nevertheless, family relationships were unavoidably stressed.

It's doubtful that the current state of the economy will require such drastic measures, but many a single young adult is finding it financially feasible to move back home with their parents, at least until the recession thing blows over.

Some elderly folks -- singles or couples -- whose fixed income no longer covers their needs, are finding the possibility of blending with the families of married sons or daughters an increasingly attractive idea.

Motivated by dwindling resources, singles or couples of all ages are exploring their options for doubling up -- temporarily, of course -- with other family members or close friends willing to accommodate them for mutual financial benefit.

But slow down! Such a move requires research, with many questions asked and answered. Is it possible to spend a few days, or a weekend, with your "target" hosts?

Some things are essential to iron out in advance, such as agreement to the exact arrangements; how much rent and food money will you be required to pay ... is the amount acceptable to all concerned? What is the division of the living quarters? Does anyone have special needs? How about schedules ... any conflict there? Does everyone understand and agree to the house rules? Remember, loss of a certain amount of freedom goes with the deal.

That said, differences will inevitably crop up. When they do, don't let them fester. Deal with them right away while heads are still cool. Some folks have found the once-a-week "group meeting" idea -- in a comfortable setting -- to be most successful in airing differences or misunderstandings congenially and putting them to rest.

No doubt, family relationships are tested in hard times. Whether the testing is between families or within families, it's an opportunity for all members to exercise maturity and thoughtfulness. It might be helpful to establish the three C's: Courtesy, Consideration, and Compassion -- as a way of life.

If doubling-up in someone else's home is definitely in your future, don't let hard times rule. Use the occasion to develop a sense of humor and make it an enjoyable experience for all!
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The Latest Relationship Advice - The 3 C's Every Family Relationship Should Have

2009-11-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

By Christopher M. Hall

Relationships, especially in the home, can so easily become combative and unhealthy. How can you keep your family relationships from spiraling downward? Here are 3 C's that every relationship must have to stay healthy and happy.

Concentration

Whenever someone in your family is telling you something, listen to what they are saying and comprehend what they are saying. This just doesn't mean that you are listening to the words. This is more than just listening to the words. You need to concentrate on what they are saying so that you can comprehend what they are saying.

I am amazed at how many times spouses don't concentrate on what the other is saying. In counseling, the husband and wife are sitting side by side. The wife is saying something, and the husband is not getting it. Or the husband is speaking, and the wife just doesn't understand. It's not that the words are not good words. The person that is listening is just not applying what is said to them.

Compassion

Be kind. Kindness is the lubricant that keeps every relationship with so many moving parts running smoothly. No relationship can exist harmoniously without kindness. It doesn't matter if it is a marriage relationship, a parent-child relationship, an employer-employee relationship, or even thousands-of-people-on-the-highway-in-a-traffic-jam relationship. Every relationship must have kindness to survive.

Compromise

Unless you are dealing with a definite right or wrong, you should be willing to compromise. There are not that many arguments in the home over right and wrong. Most arguments come because of irritations.

For example, dinner wasn't cooked just right or someone wants to buy a car with leather seats and the other wants the car with a navigation system. These are not right and wrong decisions - they are preferences, habits, or conveniences. Don't argue, don't fight - compromise. That doesn't mean that you should always be the one to compromise, but everyone in the relationship should compromise often to keep the joy in the home.
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Advice-Family Relationships Are Built By Knowing Each Other

2009-10-30T01:20:00.000-07:00

By Shevach Pepper

Here is some simple and straight forward advice: family relationships are built only if you know who they are and what THEY want. Period! You don't create good relationships by giving a present or speaking to a family about something that doesn't interest them. To create or recreate close relationships pay attention to their likes and dislikes and focus on those things.

I do remember many years ago (about 1964) my older brother saved up money, went to the store and bought for my mother a beautiful birthday (or maybe it was a mother day's) gift .... a baseball glove! This was the nicest and most precious thing in the eyes of a twelve year old boy in the '60's. When we tell this story in my house my mother tells us that she thought at the time that it was very sweet and that she was really moved by it. (She never did use it but returned it to the store and exchanged it for a present for my brother)

A young child who does his best to please his parents is very touching even if he missed the mark. However imagine how your wife would react if you would give here a brand new electric shaver or beer machine for an anniversary gift? And how would you feel if your wife would give you a gift certificate for free manicure or some flowers for a birthday present? It probably wouldn't strengthen the relationship. Right?

The same goes with words. For instance, let's say that you haven't spoken to your brother in a long time and you finally build up the courage to call him on his birthday to say hello. To break the ice you say some good "Bush" (or "Clinton") joke... but right after the words come out of your mouth you remember that he is a staunch Republican (or Democrat)! This also isn't going to build a close relationship, right?

If you are really interested in close family relationships, remember this simple advice: family relationships are built, rebuilt, and sustained only after you know and address your spouse's, children's, or sibling's tastes and interests; so take the time to get to know them.
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Family Relationship Tips - 3 Essential Parts Of a Compliment

2009-10-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

By Shevach Pepper

Abraham Lincoln had it right when he said, "Everyone loves a compliment." Everyone means parents, grandparents, husband, wife, teens (I'm serious), and toddlers. I don't know of any better way to strengthen family relationships, motivate people, or to put a genuine smile on their faces than with a compliment.

You have to be careful, though, on how to give one. If you don't follow some basic guidelines, and it looks like you only "want something from them" it could backfire and it could even weaken family relationships.

In this article I present 3 essential parts of a successful and powerful compliment.

1. Be authentic. The saying "Give credit where credit is due" is so true and is really the basis of good family relationships. To give a compliment to a family member who deserves it builds family ties. This everyone knows.

However, what some people don't realize, especially when they deal with young children, is that the converse is also true, "DON'T give credit when it is not due". Meaning, keep your compliments true. If the one to whom you give the compliment believes that they are being credited for something that they didn't do, they take it as manipulative flattery and that you want something from them. This is even true concerning small children (who don't even know what flattery or manipulative means! They might not know how to say those words, but they have the feeling that something isn't right). This weakens family relationships and doesn't strengthen them.

2. Be specific. A compliment that is very general in nature like, "You are great" or "You are so talented" sounds more like an insincere politician trying to get a vote from someone than a genuine compliment who really appreciates what they did. This is especially true when you give a compliment to someone who suffers from low self esteem

When you give the compliment just add a few words to make it more specific and more concrete; "You are great the way that you helped Mommy or Grandpa." You played that piece on the piano so nicely". It will be much more effective.

3. Explain yourself. It isn't enough just to be specific with your compliment but you should also add why you think that it is a compliment. For instance, in the examples above, don't just say, 'You are so good the way that you helped Grandpa. It reminded me of the way .... " Or, "You played that piece so beautifully. Your music teacher Mr. Brown, who has an unbelievable ear for music, will be so proud of you."

Don't overdo it but at the same time be specific and elaborate.

Take heed to Abraham Lincoln's insight and be generous with compliments. This will build and bond your family together. However, don't forget these three basic guidelines; be authentic, be specific and explain yourself, so that these compliments will be effective and give the other person a good feeling about their accomplishments.
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Good Family Relationships

2009-10-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

By Susan Lieberman

"I think we both value family and want good family relations, " said one mother-in-law to her daughter-in-law.

"Yes," replied her daughter-in-law, "but perhaps we have different definitions of what a good family relationship is."

That simple exchange, just two sentences, highlights the crux of so many tensions between mothers-in-law, their children and their children's partners. The frictions may come, not from incompatibility, but from different points of view. Here's an example:

An extroverted mother-in-law feels that good relationships are characterized by intimacy, by an easy sharing of details with few topics off-limits. She sees life as narrative and wants stories that help her enter into her children's lives. She wants to hear a story about the holiday gifts -what worked, what didn't, what has already been put to use and how it is working out. For her, talking about shopping or eating or dealing with the kids is a way to feel part of a family. Telling her own stories about child raising or cooking or working makes her feel closer. For this woman, "the stories bring us to life and help us understand each other. It is the small details that weave connections."

Her quieter, more introspective daughter-in-law, on the other hand, sees a good family relationship as one in which people have strong boundaries and maintain privacy in their feelings and actions. Not every topic is discussed outside the marriage. Not every action is analyzed. Saying less seems like a virtue. What seems normal to the mother-in-law can seem prying and intrusive to the daughter-in-law. What seems normal to the daughter-in-law can leave the mother-in-law feeling rejected and shut out.

The difficulties in this relationship are based on the different ways they view the world. The viewpoints are neither right not wrong. One works for one personality type, while another works for a different type. If we are to be successful mothers-in-law, we need to understand the world views of our children and their partners and adjust to their ways.

Because I believe that in this last stage of parenting, it is our responsibility as mothers-in-law to figure out how to have positive relationships with our married children and their spouses, the burden of adjusting is mostly ours. The new couple may also try to adjust to us, but it is wiser not to expect it. When our expectations are not met, we get disappointed. We may, consciously our unconsciously, feel angry at being rebuffed, and our anger will surely get us in trouble.

In dozens of interviews with mothers-in-law, I learned that the women who said "I'm a good mother-in-law and have a good relationship with my kids and their spouses," also said, when asked why they thought this was so:

"I don't expect anything."

"I led my life and they get to lead theirs."

"I don't always agree with their decisions, but I respect them enough to let them

do it their way."

When children are young, loving them requires teaching. When they are grown, loving them requires accepting them as they are.
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Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses

2009-10-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

By Kevin Burk

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and
Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk

It’s natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners
(assuming that the relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). We
shared a special bond with them, and they touched our lives and contributed to our
sense of self in ways that we cannot even begin to describe. Just because the
romantic and/or sexual aspects of the relationship have ended, why shouldn’t we
include our former partners in our lives in other roles? If we have mutual friends, or
shared custody of children, we will be spending time with our former partners
whether we want to or not. Since we had a positive connection with them on so
many levels, it should be easy to simply become friends, right? Not necessarily.

In many ways, we demand more of our friends than we do of our romantic partners.
Once we’ve made a commitment to our romantic partner, we have certain
obligations and duties. We’re expected to support our partners in both pleasant and
unpleasant circumstances. Our friends have no such obligations to us. On the other
hand, our friends do have to earn the right to be in our lives by supporting us
voluntarily. Interested though our former partners may be in staying friends, they
may not live up to our standards.

Letting go of our old habits and expectations about our former partners takes time.
We need distance and perspective so that we can evaluate what kind of relationship
we actually have with them.

I have a client, who we’ll call Alice. Alice has been married three times. Her second
husband, Jim, had two sons, whom she raised, and remained close to even after she
ended the relationship with their father. Her third husband, Mike, also had a
relationship with her stepsons. In many ways Mike became a surrogate father to
them. Alice is still very friendly with Mike and his new wife, and socializes with them
whenever they’re in town.

Alice recently lost both her mother and a very close friend, both of whom Mike knew
well. Alice was somewhat disgruntled that Mike did not make any offers of support
to help her through her grieving process. She was also disappointed that Mike did
not make any contact with her stepsons when their biological mother passed away.
Alice knew that even a phone call from him would have meant so much to them, and
yet he didn’t even manage that.

I helped Alice to untangle this group of extended family relationships bit by bit. The
first thing we addressed was the fact that even though Mike had been a positive role
model for her stepsons, he does not have an actual family connection to them. Alice
was their stepmother; Mike was only their stepmother’s husband. As their former
stepmother, Alice’s continued relationship with her stepsons is reasonable. While
married to Mike, it was appropriate for her to foster a connection between him and
her stepsons. However the entire basis of that connection is their shared
relationship to her. Both of her stepsons are adults now, and both are married. It’s a
safe bet that they know how to pick up the phone and initiate contact with Mike if
they want to maintain a relationship with him on their own.

Next, we looked at Alice’s relationship with Mike. Had her mother and friend passed
away while she was still married to Mike, she would have been entitled to expect
him to provide emotional support to help her through the grieving process.
However, now that she’s no longer married to him (and he’s married to someone
else), she’s not entitled to expect emotional support from him. Alice needed to
adjust her checklists and her expectations in the relationship. She realized that she
could no longer relate to Mike as a romantic partner, or even as someone with
whom she shares a committed relationship.

Ultimately, she recognized that while she can still maintain a cordial relationship
with Mike, he doesn’t meet the criteria she sets for her friends. If he were truly a
friend, he would have offered some support to her when she needed it. Since she
can’t expect him to be there to support her, she needs to adjust her expectations of
the relationship. He’s not someone on whom she can count for emotional support,
and that’s perfectly acceptable. Their relationship has evolved. They’re still
peripherally involved in each other’s lives; the nature of the relationship is more of a
pleasant friendship (Alice described it as “neighborly”). Once she adjusted her
checklists, she was able to let go of the anger she was feeling towards him.
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Gender Roles And Family Relationships In Early Day Haitian Society

2009-10-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

By Jean Pierre

Preamble

Gender roles and family relationships in Haiti have their roots in the diverse cultural backgrounds of the populace. Broadly speaking, the two major cultural influences are African and French. At one extreme is the African heritage. Among the Afro-Haitians who occupy the three lowest classes in the Haitian society, Middle Class, Urban Low Class and Rural Peasantry, the African cultural heritage is still very strong. This is particularly evident in the areas of marital relationships, defined roles of each gender before and after marriage, types of marriages and the extended family system. At the other extreme you have the Franco-Haitians or mulattoes, who have embraced French heritage wholesale, and who occupy the elite upper class of Haitian society.

Rural Haiti

Rural Haiti is where the vast majority of Haitians live and the people are mostly Afro-Haitians. In these parts of Haiti, the twin influences of their African heritage and the people’s experience of slavery have combined to define their family and marital relationships and the roles of the two genders (male and female) in these relationships. The major economic activities of rural Haiti are centered on agriculture. The people, both male and female, are essentially farmers.

For couples who are married or have a marital arrangement, their major economic and financial activities, which is centered around food crop farming, is a cooperative effort between a man and his wife. Haiti's rural culture values women's economic contribution to the farm; in that all income generated through agricultural production belongs to both husband and wife. The farm work is arranged in such a way that the activities of the wife complement those of the husband. While the man does all the hard work in preparing the land for cultivation, bush clearing, tilling and hoeing; the wife does the complementary work of weeding, pruning and harvesting.

As a follow-up to the harvest, the wife processes the produce for sale in the market.
Crops like cassava tubers are processed into cassava flour and cassava starch, by the woman, before taking them to the market for sale. The woman is solely responsible for marketing their farm harvest. The proceeds from the sales are used for taking care of the needs of the whole family. For couples who have a ‘plasaj’ or concubinage marital arrangement, economic security arrangements are made for the woman. The husband, apart from providing a house for the woman, she is likely to be a second wife, is also required to cultivate a plot of land for the wife’s own farm.

Rural women, who are full-time market traders, often attain economic independence. These women are not required by tradition to share their income with their husbands. However, some help to augment family income by making voluntary contributions from the proceeds of their trading and other non-farming activities. Among the peasants of rural Haiti, there are several types of marital arrangements between men and women. You have the monogamous marriage between a man and a woman. Marriage could be contracted under the traditional system. In this arrangement, the man pays a bride price to the family of the woman.

Polygamy is still practiced in rural Haiti. The first wife is the only one usually recognized by government as the legitimate wife, while other ‘plasaj’ wives are regarded as the man’s concubines. Because of the great love for children by Haitian parents, children are accepted, whether they are born in or out of wedlock. The extended family system or ‘Lakou’ is still very much alive and well in rural Haiti. Members of a ‘Lakou’ work cooperatively on each other’s farms, and they provide each other with financial support in times of need. It is worthy to note that most of the traditional practices of rural Haiti are a faithful transfer of the original traditions of their African ancestors. Some of these traditional practices like polygamous marriages, cooperative farm work and couples living in extended family compounds are still very much in existence today in rural African societies.

Urban Haiti

Migration of Afro-Haitians from rural communities to urban centers has resulted in modification of some of the traditional practices of their forebears and the outright elimination of others. Among the urban low class communities in Haiti today, the most common marital arrangement still remains the ‘plasaj’, or concubinage. Because of the high cost of formal marriage ceremonies, couples coexist as man and wife until they are financially able to legitimize their marriages either in a Christian religious ceremony or in a court of competent jurisdiction. Husbands and wives in urban low class families share the cost of maintaining the home. Husbands work in paid employment while wives carry on petty trading or operation of small eateries and beer parlors. The urban low class husbands also help with the heavy household chores, like gathering firewood for cooking fuel, while the wives do the actual cooking, along with her other house keeping duties and care of the children.

Among the middle class Haitians who live mostly in urban areas, formal monogamous marital relationships are the norm. Middle class marriages usually take the form of church wedding ceremonies or legal exchange of vows in a court of competent jurisdiction. Husbands normally help their wives with childcare and other house-hold chores, particularly when both husband and wife are engaged in paid employment. Since their arrival in Haiti in the later half of the twentieth century, Protestant churches have encouraged legal unions between couples in both urban low class and middle class, by providing affordable church weddings for members of these churches.

The elite upper class Haitians, who are mostly mulattoes, have for hundreds of years mimicked the French ways of doing things. They live like the French, speak the French language in the home and in the workplace; and of course, have adopted the French marital customs and practices. Civil and religious marriages were the norm, and the "best" families could trace legally married ancestors to the nineteenth century and beyond. Courtships between eligible spinsters and bachelors used to be arranged by “best” families. Hence, it was not uncommon for mulatto elite families to be interrelated, with cousins marrying each other. The husband used to go out to work in paid employment or to run the family business, leaving the wife to take care of the home front, surrounded by servants. With immigration from Europe, and the changing economic conditions of Haiti, things are also changing in the elite upper class. It is now quite common for elite wives to take on paid employment, while husbands share in management of the home.
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Law Of Attraction For Your Family & Relationship in 8 Easy Steps

2009-10-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

By Darryl Mobley

I have done quite a bit of work on evolving an old idea that has a new title. I am speaking of the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction simply says that you attract into your life whatever you think about. Because you are plugged into the universe, your dominant thoughts will find a way to manifest. I have certainly found this to be true in my personal life.

Those who are familiar with the Bible, will recognize this new title and what it represents as a modern spin on these three statements:

Therefore I say unto you, All things whatsoever ye pray and ask for, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

The Law of Attraction Works for Individuals AND Families My particular interest is in how I, and you, can apply the Law of Attraction to the important task of developing our families and our relationships. I know that the Law of Attraction works for individuals. But, I have become obsessed with peeling away the layers and simplifying how it can be used for the advancement of our families. After long work and research, I have done it.

I have developed 8 simple steps that - when taken - can allow each of us to use the Law of Attraction to take our families and relationships to higher levels. As part of my fine-tuning the 8 steps, I had 500+ couples/families try these steps. Follow-up research found that the couples/families that followed the 8 steps experienced significant improvement in the quality of family relationships, the happiness of the family, the amount of money saved by the family, --- and in many cases, even the grades of the children! There were many more benefits experienced by my study participants, too numerous to list here.

I invite you to try out the 8 steps below and let me know how it works for you.

My Law of Attraction For The Family says that your family will attract into the family whatever the family members dwell on and discuss. Once your family unit is plugged into the universe, your family's goals and dominant thoughts will eventually appear.

Apply the Law Of Attraction For Your Family or Relationship in 8 Easy Steps

Step 1. Stay alert to the words you and your family use around, about and with, each other. Quite often, we (as well as our relationships and our families) are held captive by our negative and failure-embracing self-talk and our talk with others. One of the absolutely perfect things my parents did while raising me was never say words that limited my dreams. Their words were always positive and empowering when it came to my dreams, goals, or endeavors.

Step 2. Delete the words "Can't," "Won't," "But," and "No" from your discussions. You know the drill: Change and reframe your words & your thoughts from limitation to limitless.

Step 3. Develop family goals and make sure that every family member gets really clear on the precise things your family has set as goals. The clearer the goals, the more likely the goals are to be realized. Or as my granddad told me many years ago, "Darryl, get to where you can see what you want really well. Then, Grab It!"

Step 4. Talk with your children about their future, their goals, and the possibilities that exist for them. Your words can lift your children up above the muck and nonsense of pre-adult life. And, when a kid knows that their parent(s) believe in them and are "dream-enablers," the sky is the limit.

Step 5. When you or your spouse are in a negative mood or thought pattern, ask yourselves, "What do I (or "we" if appropriate) really want?" Always turn your thoughts toward the goal, the solution, and the future. There you will find a place of happiness and success.

Step 6. Take time at dinner each evening to state appreciation for what the family does have. It can be comforting to step back from the flames of life and acknowledge the positives you already have.

Step 7. Once each week have your family discuss action steps each family member will take during the week that will move the family closer to accomplishing goals. In sports, this would be considered the halftime. This allows you and your family members to focus your collective and individual thoughts on what you want to attract. You are effectively plugging your entire family into the universe success flow.

Step 8. Write family and personal goals, dreams, thoughts, successes, questions, progress, discoveries, breakthroughs, insights, plans, challenges, blueprints, and lessons-learned in your Life Journal. Refer to this journal each day. If you would like to learn more about my popular 200-page "Create A Life Worth Living Journal" visit the link in the resource box below. This is the journal I, and thousands of super-achievers, use to keep myself (and my family) focused on positive action, hope and the future.For other information visit--> http://arsandy.wordpress.com

Improve Family Relationships

2009-10-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

By Linda Weaver Clarke

Family is important. It takes commitment and hard work to improve family relationships. With all the negative influences around us, we struggle to hold our families together. But it's a battle that is well worth it.

Family must come first and foremost before anything else, even before our career. "No other success can compensate for failure in the home. The poorest shack in which love prevails over a united family is of greater value to God and future humanity than any other riches." - David O. McKay

I believe that love, communication, and respect go a long way. I know of five rules that can improve relationships and make a family closer.

1. Parents and children must "show" love by helping each other. Giving service and sharing is what it's all about.

2. Take time for one another by going on dates with your spouse or having family outings. It's amazing what a picnic can do for a family.

3. Communicate with each other and take time to listen. Richard L. Evans said, "If only we could feel we have been heard! If only we would listen when we should!"

4. Show respect to each family member. Never demean another person.

5. Pray together. Abraham Lincoln said, "I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."

Money, wealth, and great careers shouldn't come before family. Money won't buy your family's love or happiness. Eugene Hansen said, "I learned money and material possessions are not the keys to happiness and success. Even with the constant financial challenge, we still had a good life. There was love in the home. Home was the place where we wanted to be. We did have two very significant items: we had a piano and we had a bookcase. How significant those two somewhat simple possessions were in the development of productive talents and interests so important in our early years."

What our children need is love. Material objects will never replace affection or our absence. "We have been so anxious to give our children what we didn't have that we have neglected to give them what we did have." -Author Unknown.

The relationship between husband and wife is important, also. It should not be neglected. Marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman. We must always work on our relationship. Never embarrass or hurt the feelings of our marriage partner intentionally. Build up the other's self-esteem. Treat your partner with respect. Children watch, listen, mimic and follow in our footsteps. They learn quickly. When we show lack of respect to our partner, so will they.

We have to work at marriage. It's a lifetime commitment. Mary Stewart Cutting said, "A woman can stand anything but being forgotten, not being needed."

Richard L. Evans said, "All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be indifferently treated or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. All things need attention, care and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life."

Everyone has to work at Family relationships. It's doesn't come easy. It's something that needs a lot of work, but it's worth it. Thomas Jefferson said, "The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family."
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Building Family Relationships - 10 Ways of Achieving Family Goals

2009-10-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

By Damodar Kakule

Although building and strengthening family relationships can be challenging, you can achieve the same by finding a common ground on various joint interest subjects. The key to building healthy relationship with your family members is to set your working hours in such a way that you can spend enough time with them, teach valuable life skills to your children and make them ready to get success in life.

Building family relationships is nothing but creating a balance between your work schedules and your family needs. A lasting relationship can be created with love, affection, mutual respect and by keeping your family members happy. A true relationship should be such that your family must feel secure and realize that you are their real care taker.

You may have to work for long hours in the beginning after selecting a home based business opportunity for you, but if one of your dreams is to help your children to get success in life while trying to have financial freedom for you, then don't forget to keep some spare time to develop a healthy relationship with your children, as building relationships do not happen automatically.

When your children reach the stage of adolescence, try to keep friendly relation with them. Help them to accept and learn from their mistakes. When something is told in confidence, don't disclose it in front of others. By doing this you will be in a position to know more about your children as it will develop trust and they will open up to you more. Solve their problems and correct them at the right time if you find that they are doing the wrong things.

10 Ways of building family relationships to achieve your family goals:

1. Treat your family members in a way you would like to be treated.
2. Let them know through your healthy relationship that they are priority in your life.
3. Spend some time daily with them to know their feelings.
4. Guide them properly while doing wrong things.
5. Show appreciation for the good things that they do.
6. Eat your meals together to develop the habit of good conversation and sharing.
7. Set your other demands aside and spend time to solve their problems, if urgent need arises.
8. Resolve any conflict with mutual understanding.
9. Arrange tours, take them to sight seeing spots or places where they could enjoy and learn new things.
10. Help them to achieve success in life and fulfill their dreams.

A very important aspect of building family relationships is fulfilling the needs of your family members as your business grows. While teaching special skills to your children don't ever forget to recognize and praise their efforts, if they do something really good. This will help them to gain confidence and believe in their abilities. They will become more creative and mentally sound to face any problem on their own, that may arise in their life.

While achieving your other goals from home, if you become successful in converting your children into responsible citizens capable of achieving their dreams, a day will surely come when you will realize that you have not only got financial freedom for yourself but achieved everything in life.
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Common Approaches to Blending Family Relationships

2009-10-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

By Pieter West

Blending family relationships is something that takes time and a lot of patience. A lot of relationship issues in step families arise because the members of the blended family try to rush into their relationships instead of taking the time to get used to living together and learning each other's personality and living styles. Most new step parents fall into one of two categories: over-compensators and under-compensators.

The Over-compensator will push his (or her) way into a relationship with his step children. He will try to get too close to quickly. He will try too forcefully to establish his dominance over the child as an authority figure. One common mistake that is made by an overcompensating step parent is siding with the step child when issues arise with his new wife or with his own children to prove to his step child that he is a good guy.

Another common mistake made by over-compensating step parents is going toward the other end of the spectrum: being too strict, being too cold and being too forceful with disciplinary issues and house rules-and trying to impose his own ideas of child rearing as replacement for a system that was already understood by his wife and her children. This usually results in a resentful relationship between him and his wife, not to mention with his own children as well as his stepchildren.

The Under-compensators, on the other hand, have the opposite approach. Usually he will develop a completely hands off approach to dealing with his step children. If there are arguments or problems with his stepchild he will simply refuse to engage and, instead, force his new wife to deal with the problem completely by herself. He will also be stand-offish when his new stepchildren try to forge a relationship with him. He does this because he doesn't want to impose or step on anybody's toes. Because of this, it takes longer for his step children to open up and trust him.

Relationship issues in step-families are common when people first start to work at blending family relationship issues. Sometimes the relationship issues in step families are small and the blending family relationships will smooth themselves out over time. Other times, the problems will be harder to over come. If this is the case, you should look into step-family relationship counseling.

Step-family relationship counseling can help smooth out the process of blending family relationships. A counselor will not take sides or play favorites. Instead she will help your newly blended family learn to communicate with each other and how to be patient and build your relationships slowly. She might have advice that is hard to hear, but as a trained professional she has seen it all before.

Blending family relationships is hard work and takes a lot of time. Nothing is going to be perfect right away. Trying to make it perfect too quickly will result in relationship issues in step-families. Consider step-family relationship counseling to help your family work out its issues and learn to live together happily and peacefully.
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Family Relationships

2009-10-03T00:51:00.000-07:00

By Marie C. Barrett

Of all relationships we build in the course of our life, perhaps the most fundamental is that of family. The family relationship is like no other in that often the boundaries are blurred. Whatever family may mean for you, it is precious and serves your growth.

Family embraces multiple-aspect relationships, including: parent with its child, child with parent, parents with their children, children with parents, parent with their partner as parent, brother with sister and vice versa, and child as one of several siblings. And these are only some of the relationships formed within the nuclear birth family!

From there we find the single parent family relationship, and the family in which each parent has brought to the relationship their children from another union, thus forming a his-hers-ours family. Or perhaps one partner walks into a parental role without actually physically having parented a child at all. And no doubt you can find other examples of how the modern day family constitutes itself.

Multi-generation aspects to family relationships are also vitally important, as many baby boomers are discovering to their delight. Grandparents build uniquely special relationships with grandchildren, and grandchildren with their grandparents. Aunts, uncles, cousins, step relatives - the list goes on. But each of these connections gives us a certain identity, a place of belonging, a home base.

However your family is for you, it is still family; it is the people from whom you can expect unconditional acceptance. Where do you stand in the giving of unconditional love to members of your family?

It is the gift of evolution that we children somehow surpass the boundaries of our parents. If we do not improve our species with every generational step, humanity will never continue to evolve; it will stall and then stagnate.

But always, family relationship, as with any relationship, comes down to connection and love. The differences we inevitably develop as we individually grow into our life purpose, need not divide; they can simply add to the mix that makes family so challenging and yet safe, relaxing and allowing of who and how we are.

Never take your heart away from your parents, brothers or sisters. If you have reason to associate emotional or physical pain with any member of your family, remember, their pain must equal, if not go deeper than yours.

Forgiveness will expand your love and reach over to touch the heart of the person to whom you offer it. Do not deny love and forgiveness to those who have every right, through family, to expect you will always be there for them, no matter what.

And that, in a nutshell, is our definition of family relationship: unconditional love for each other, no matter what differences we may have developed.

You have a clean slate to build new aspects to your experience of family, either by creating your present family as a loving, supportive home base, by your example and presence, or by extending your love to a wider family aspect within the community.

Friendship is similar to family. Always, it is about connection, belonging and above all, love and understanding. So no matter what your family experience has been, you can still make it exactly what you desire.

In all relationships, it is how we choose to feel that generates for us the experience of love. Where you cannot see love, put love, and you will find love. Perhaps someone in your family is waiting in pain and longing for you to take the first step towards them with arms out-stretched in love and forgiveness. Be that one for them.

All the love, the unconditional love, you offer to another will come back to you many times expanded, and that same love will fill you with joy, as that is the nature of love.

Love gives, expands in the giving and expresses as joy. Want more joy? Give more love, for love evolves into love-joy. Want more family? Give more love, for love creates family. Want a home? Give more love, for love is home-coming.

Family has many aspects, as you can see. Relationships within the family are different for each person. But the blessing of family recognition is the unconditional-ness of the love exchanged. Don't look for love, give it, and let love find you. It will!
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Build Solid Family Relationships Through Good Parenting

2009-09-30T00:48:00.000-07:00

By Jerry Hubbard

Introduction

The quality of our family relationships and healthy family processes are crucial to balancing our needs for both freedom and dependency, in order to create an atmosphere that supports development, rather than hinders it.

The goal is to increase both the quality of your family relationships and to identify and engage in family processes that promote healthy relationships. Strengthening family relationships provides a better quality of life for people by enhancing health, safety, support, and a nurturing environment in which families can grow. Everyone has to work at Family relationships. The web of family relationships includes dimensions such as love, respect, friendship, hate, resentment, jealousy, rivalry, and disapproval.

Family

Family size influences some of the routines and rituals of the family, especially the mealtime ritual. Family is being there when times are rough. Family is made up of the people that you go to when you have a problem and who will always help you. Make sure that school notices, sports notices, homework and invitations are all put onto a family calendar so that everyone knows what is happening and when. Take the problem to a family meeting.
Everyone feels that they are an important part of the family.

Child

Most parents desperately want the best for their children, but a clear vision of what constitutes the best is hard to come by. What can parents do to shield children from the pressure to grow up too fast? Parents should be open and reasonable with their children. Do children need endless structured activities in order to be fulfilled and to ensure a competitive edge as they grow up? Or are the parents using the activities as a substitute for one on one relationship? We need to make a point of encouraging our children in their efforts to please us. It is tragic that many times we're guilty of discouraging our children. Many parents make a great mistake in threatening to punish their child for minor acts that are of little or now consequence. Some parents threaten their children all the time, constantly threatening the child leads to the result that the child doesn't pay any attention to what you say when it really matters..

Parents

Parents are still the best and ideal role model for their kids. Parents are a mix of both positive and negative attributes. HELPFUL TIP: Spend time with your parents they are a wealth of important information that you need to raise your children. Mothers are the nurturing, consoling and uplifting part of the parenting team. Mothers are required to take more and more responsibility in today's family. If you think that a wife and mother can "have it all" by taking on a career you should take a good look around you. Not only are families falling apart but the toll on the women of the world is staggering. Most are furiously unhappy with most everything in life. It is simply a question of trade off, if you take on a career you must take that time away from something else. It may require that you have no time for you self or your family.

The husband and father in a family relationship is equally at risk. No matter what society says, the man is responsible for his family. It is his responsibility to see to it that the family is cared for financially, physically and spiritually. Recognizing that fathers, too, play an important role in the financial and emotional support of their children, they need to be the father figure that is needed by the children. He should also accept the role as protector and the ultimate support for his wife. Men that are absent from the family are not only neglecting their wife and children but they are reducing their manhood. Let's face it a man that is absent from the family, physically or mentally, deserves all the ridicule that men now receive by the media, entertainment and spiritual spheres.

Conclusion

Family relationships last a lifetime. It takes commitment and hard work to improve family relationships. Healthy family relationships take time and effort. One of the most difficult matters to confront with respect to family relationships is that you don't control the entire relationship yourself but must depend upon the cooperation of the other family members. A healthy family relationship relies on the each member wanting the very best for the other members over their own desires.
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Typecasting, Candice Bergen and Family Relationships

2009-09-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

By Kevin Burk

I’m experiencing some challenges in my relationship with Candice Bergen.

I recently started watching Boston Legal on Sunday nights, because Candice Bergen had joined the cast. (She joined the cast so that more people like me would start watching Boston Legal on Sunday nights.) Like most Candice Bergen fans, I mainly associate her with her character on Murphy Brown: tough, smart, funny, sharp, no-punches-pulled, slightly over-the-top, and definitely not someone you want to have angry with you. Even the Vogue editor she played for a few episodes of Sex and the City fit this mold.

While I’m certainly enjoying watching her on Boston Legal, it’s been an interesting challenge for me, because the character she plays, Shirley Schmidt, is different from Murphy Brown. I expected her to be playing a larger-than-life version of her usually type. Instead, we’re shown a very different Candice Bergen, and I’m noticing that even after three episodes, I’m still having to adjust my expectations.

Shirley Schmidt does embody all of the strong qualities that Candice Bergen’s characters are famous for: brilliant, no-nonsense, sharp and canny. But she’s also much softer and more compassionate than I expect from her characters. This new
character is still Candice Bergen, but she’s a far more subtle and nuanced Candice Bergen than I expected.

I realized this after the first episode. And yet, I still expect her to behave in the way she did in Murphy Brown. I expect her confrontation scenes to be bigger and louder and broader, and I don’t expect to see her character as a layered and multi-faceted person.

This is creating a certain amount of strain on my relationship with Candice Bergen. I’m having to alter my expectations of how she behaves, and who she appears to be as a person.

Sadly, I don’t actually have a personal relationship with Candice Bergen. I simply have the same relationship to her that millions of other television fans do. But even in this one-sided relationship, I still have safety and validation needs, and this change in her character is disrupting those needs. The fact that she has evolved, that she is playing a different character requires me to adjust my expectations and redefine my relationship with her, and this makes me feel less safe in our relationship.

(At this point, in the interest of avoiding a restraining order, let me state that I am only using Candice Bergen as an illustration.)

In Hollywood, actors are, often arbitrarily, assigned a “type.” We see an actor in a certain role, and identify her with that role. The stronger the identification, the harder it is for us to accept her in different roles. Actors constantly struggle against “typecasting,” because once they’re seen as a certain “type,” they find it more difficult to be cast in roles that differ from this “type.”

Jim Carrey, for example, is a fine dramatic actor; however, it’s taken him many years (and a number of baby steps) to be able to be accepted in more serious roles, and audiences still relate to him best when he’s being a clown.

But typecasting doesn’t just happen in Hollywood. We also encounter typecasting in our family relationships.

For most of us, we first experience typecasting because we’re the ones being typecast. Our families have an uncanny knack for not recognizing how much we’ve evolved and matured as individuals. No matter what our accomplishments, no matter how much we’ve achieved, our parents and siblings invariably remember us as we were in our most memorable (and usually our least favorite) role from our childhood.

When we spend time with our families as adults, we struggle against this typecasting. We try, in increasingly less subtle ways, to get our families to recognize and relate to us for who we are, rather than for who we were. It’s an ongoing struggle--one that we seem to lose more often than we win, reverting to type and playing out our well-established roles in the family drama long after we believe we’ve outgrown them.

What we rarely notice while we’re feeling typecast ourselves, is that we’re making the same typecasting assumptions about our family members. We’re so concerned that our family members notice how much we’ve changed and evolved that we don’t take the time to notice how our family members have also grown.

Since the Universal Law of Relationships states that our partners in relationships are our mirrors, (and therefore it’s never about the other person), if we want our families to accept us for who we are now, all we need to do is to learn to accept
them for who they are now. When we change how we relate to our families, the way that they relate to us will also change.

It’s quite simple, actually. Unfortunately, simple isn’t the same thing as easy. Just as it’s taking me time to adjust my expectations of Candice Bergen and accept her in her new role, it takes us (and our families) time to adjust our expectations and begin to relate to each other as adults.

One essential thing to recognize is that anytime the nature and dynamic of a relationship changes--especially a long-standing relationship such as a family relationship--we’re dealing with the question of safety needs.

Let me explain. One of the fundamental things that our egos need in order for us to feel safe is to know what to expect. On the most fundamental level, “safe” is the same thing as “familiar.” We don’t have to like what we expect in order to feel safe; we simply have to experience what we expect.

Consider this: Our family relationships are some of the most important (and frequently difficult) relationships in our lives. We value safety in these relationships tremendously, because safety often seems to be in such short supply. No matter how well defended we may feel in the rest of our lives, our family members always know where (and how) we’re the most vulnerable. We instinctively cling to what’s familiar (and therefore safe) in our family relationships, and this results in typecasting.

On a conscious level we may want to embrace our family members and recognize their evolution as individuals. On an unconscious level, however, the fact that our family members are no longer playing their familiar and safe roles in the family drama is very threatening. We (and our family members) unconsciously cling to the familiar family dynamic (no matter how dysfunctional it may be), and try to impose it on our family members—even as we attempt to escape it ourselves.

There may be some very deep and dark fears at the root of this. As long as we stick with the original family dynamic, we’re still a family. We’re bound by blood and we are required to stay in relationship with each other. Parents are required to raise and protect children; children are required to live with their parents and abide by their rules; siblings are required to put up with each other, or at the very least not fight in a moving vehicle.

Once we become adults, however, this dynamic no longer applies. The thought that our family members are no longer required to be in relationship with us--and worse, that they could choose to reject or abandon us--is fundamentally terrifying.

This is not necessarily a universal fear, of course. But I invite you to consider that we do derive a certain amount of comfort--and safety--from the knowledge that there are some relationships that will always be a part of our lives.

So, how do we overcome typecasting in our family relationships? The same way that we change any belief or pattern in our lives: through AWARENESS, OWNERSHIP and CHOICE.

First, we become AWARE that our expectations of our family members may be out of date. Next, we OWN and take responsibility for our expectations, and for our safety needs. We are responsible for maintaining the balance in our own safety accounts. It
is not the responsibility of our family members to help us to feel safe by living up to our expectations of them. Finally, we CHOOSE to relate to our family members as they are now, rather than as they were then.

When our family members have difficulties in accepting us for who we are now, remember that they’re feeling unsafe. Who we are is unfamiliar and threatening to them. Once we’re AWARE that we’re involved in a safety issue, we can OWN the situation. Owning this particular situation means recognizing that we’re not responsible for the fact that our family members feel unsafe. We are, however, responsible for making sure that their lack of safety does not result in us feeling unsafe as well. Finally, we can CHOOSE to be gentle with our families, helping them get to know who we are, not making them wrong for relating to us as we were, and ultimately allowing them to feel safe in our relationship once more.

I’m gradually overcoming my expectations in my relationship with Candice Bergen, and as a result, our relationship has improved tremendously. Just imagine how powerful overcoming typecasting can be in your family relationships!
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10 Ways to Improving Your Client Relationships

2009-09-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

One thing is true for all consultants; if we have any work, we have clients! One of the most important parts of our work is maintaining and enhancing our relationships with our clients. Maintaining and growing these relationships makes the time spent on a project more enjoyable, satisfying and effective. Improved relationships also improves the chance that we will get referrals and future business.
1. Have a clear contract with your client. This is the number one guideline for a successful client engagement. Without a clear contract neither you nor your client can be clear on roles and responsibilities, deadlines and deliverables, methodologies and measures. Beyond the importance of the contract to the project itself, a clear contract also is a great aid to a good working relationship. The goal of a contract is clarity, not legalese – as such; it is a great aid to improved client relationships.
• What the roles and responsibilities are for you – and members of the client organization
• What methods you plan to use during the project
• The project timeline
• A description of success

2. Get to know your client better. All relationships are better when the individuals in the relationship take the time to get to know one another. Learn the client’s interests. You will likely spend many hours with and around the client during the project. Knowing that they like gourmet French food or exotic candies or Oakland Raiders football is information you should know. Make it a point to learn something new about each client in every meeting you have.

3. Ask more questions. When we ask questions we understand situations better. Take the time, make the time to ask your client how she feels, what she thinks, and try to understand her observations regarding the progress of the project and your performance. The skill of questioning is one of the most important we can develop to improve our consulting skills and our relationships.

4. Be willing to say “No.” In many cases, clients ask us to do things beyond our capabilities or interests. When these new requests are outside the contract agreement, be willing to say no. Take time to understand both the client’s reason for asking as well as your ability to deliver. Saying “No” may mean keeping your project on track by not expanding the scope of the project. Saying “No” may also mean not accepting additional work that the client would like you to do. Ask yourself “What is my business focus, both now and in the future – and how does this request fit into this picture?” More pragmatically, I have found myself asking if I would be excited by or interested in this new work.

5. After weighing the opportunity the client offers you, the client will be grateful if you say yes! Saying yes often makes the client’s job much easier. Saying yes can help strengthen your relationship with the client as well. The more work you do on the clients behalf, the more valuable you become. Taking on assignments that stretch your skills and comfort zones are another good reason to say yes.

6. Be a problem solver – and a solution finder. Clients hire us to help them solve problems. The more problems we can help them solve, the better. Sometimes our activities allow us to see things that can be helpful to the client. Weigh these opportunities and when appropriate, help (or offer to help) the client solve the problem – even if they didn’t know the problem existed.
This advice starts before you search for those problems. It starts with being observant, and understanding the big picture of the client’s business objectives. Clients will generally be thrilled if you can identify areas for improvement – especially when you have suggestions on how to improve the situation.

7. Keep your distance. Therapists say you can’t help the family if you are part of the family. We do become more valuable the more we work in an organization, but we need to keep our role clearly defined within the organization. Even as we build the relationships that make us successful, we need to be diligent in keeping our distance so we can continue to provide valued and effective advice and expertise.
Refer to your contract to help you stay within role. Experience shows that letting the client know that you are concerned for this “distance” will be appreciated. Without such conversations, the client may read your behavior as a lack of interest in their organization.

8. Stay focused. Staying focused on your contract and on your deliverables is the best thing you can do to maintain and build your client relationship. Talk about deliverables and deadlines in client meetings. Showing that focus and then delivering what we say when promised , we build our credibility and enhance our relationships.

9. Be a learner. Being a learner means being open to new techniques and ideas and approaching each project with fresh eyes. If we approach a situation as “Been there, done that”, our opportunity to meet and exceed the clients expectations is greatly diminished. At least as importantly, our attitude will show through, hurting our client relationships.

10. Work at it. Recognize that the client relationship is part of the job! Thinking about and working on the relationship will make you more successful in the current project, enhance your chance for future work, and make the project much more enjoyable. Not only that you’ll get to know and learn from your client. Overall, a great return on your investment.

Make Time For the Relationships In Your Life
At the same time we have to keep track of all our kids and their various activities, while also trying to do a full time job outside the home. We may have aging parents who take up more and more of our time.

If we're younger, we may be juggling full time classes at school while also doing a part time job and trying to have a social life. We may be doing volunteer work in the community. The demands on our time never seem to end, and often it’s hard to take a few moments out of our busy lives to decide what our priorities should really be.

Many of us today are on the go all the time. We rush from appointment to appointment until we collapse exhausted.
One place that many of us have cut back is on spending time unwinding with our friends. We often feel guilty just at the thought of taking time to hang around. Spending time just relaxing with friends seems like a luxury we can't afford.

Those lazy days when life seemed to be about spending quality time with your family and friends seem to belong to a different century.
While we are at work, we may be trying to get caught up with our friends and families with emails and phone calls. And when we are with our friends and family, our minds are often elsewhere, as we're also trying to get caught up on our other emails and text messages, and checking in at the office. Many of us are not fully present at our jobs and we’re not fully present with our families and friends. We can use our busyness to distance ourselves from close human contact.

And all our modern technology such as email, cell phones, and text messaging and tiny music players and portable videos seem to distract our attention from the present moment more and more.

Even though all the new technological toys we have today were supposed to free up our time and make us more connected, they can have an opposite effect. If we're trying to check our emails and messages while we are with our friends and families, we're distracted from being present in the relationship.

Why give our attention to the person in front of us, when there might be a message on our computer at the same time? How often have you been speaking to a friend on the telephone, and heard the clacking of typewriter keys in the background? Your friend may be typing up email messages to someone else at the same time he or she is talking to you. A better, more exciting offer might come in any minute, on our cell phone, or in our email.

Our attention is never really where we are. Our mind is split. We’re never really committed to working when we are at work, and when we're with our friends and loved ones, we're never really present with the people we care about, because someone else is on the line. When was the last time you were with someone who really paid a lot of close, personal attention to you? When was the last time you paid close personal attention to someone else? When we spend time with the people who truly love us and accept us, we have a chance to let go of our false roles.

We can feel emotionally and spiritually recharged by spending time together with others. How many people today, living modern, busy lives, make their relationships such a priority that they are actually fully present and paying attention? How many people make it a priority to be really present with their loved ones, instead of just being physically present, and mentally distracted?

Very often, being really present with our friends and loved ones is a victim of our busy life styles. If you’re always busy and distracted, are you using your busyness as an escape? Does your current lifestyle reflect your true priorities of what is really important in your life? Is your hectic lifestyle really bringing you the quality of life that you want? Or are you too busy buying toys to fill up some empty space inside yourself? Examine whether the way you are currently spending your time accurately reflects your deepest values and priorities. Make sure that you schedule adequate time for the things that are truly most important to you.

If you really want to keep friends and loved ones in your life, make a space in your schedule and a space in your heart for them. And practice the art of being fully present with the important people in your life.

Abusive Relationships

2009-09-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why it takes so long for us to know that it is abusive, addictive love we are experiencing. The damage created by an abusive relationship only worsens over time, weakening the abused and giving the abuser more power. As the situation continues, without resolution or a plan to change the dynamic, eventually abusers will typically threaten and carry through on their physical threats. Abuse comes from a need to control, fear of abandonment, lack of trust and love, a learned behavior and lack of knowledge to move towards resolution in a positive way.

It often begins with verbal abuse, learned behaviors that are unhealthy, and not knowing how to develop a caring, loving relationship. Being unaware of its damaging effects the one being abused slowly loses confidence, self esteem, their identity, and respect for themselves. The abused person is unaware of how they are keeping themselves stuck and how they can get out of the painful abusive pattern.

First and foremost is to gain self respect.
Abusive relationships need professional help and a dedicated participation from the people involved to make the change. If both partners do the work - the freedom from pain, the true feeling of being loved and loving another human being are only a part of the rewards. It takes a responsibility and respect of your self to break the pattern and learn new ways to be. If your partner is not willing to be apart of it seek help on your own to develop a course of action.

Emotional abuse is an enormous problem, and often a silent problem because there are no visible scars. Silent because you live in fear – fear of not being loved, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown. Women hope it will get better if they try harder, do exactly what their partner asks of them – “if I just do this better, he will love me”. Hope isn’t enough: you need to take action by seeking counseling. Read everything you can to understand why you stay hooked into an abusive relationship. Don’t take abuse lightly, get professional help immediately – physical, emotional or psychological abuse can lead to murder. Ask your doctor, pastor, a trusted family member, or friend to assist you in finding the help you need. Abusive relationships do not change without specialized help.

Dangerous Dating And Abusive Relationships
Dating tips for women will often warn you of the dangers of abusive relationships. The general assumption, whenever someone mentions an abusive relationship, is that the abuse is physical. Emotional abuse is equally as damaging to a woman’s psych as physical abuse is to their body and overall well-being.

Emotional and verbal abuse are more difficult for anyone on the outside to recognize as there are no markings or bruises like those associated with physical abuse, but the long-term effects are life altering. Just like victims of sexual or physical abuse, victims of emotional abuse need help and support.

A good tip is to identify an abuser by looking for some typical characteristics. An abuser will follow a certain pattern of behavior in order to emotionally control and belittle their victim. They are typically extremely jealous, emotionally withheld, lacking intimacy and affection. They will often resort to name calling, blaming, threats, and manipulation or publicly make hostile and mean-spirited jokes or comments about you.

An abuser will call you insulting names and make fun of you in the presence of others. They will insist on keeping track of where you are and who you spend time with. They also typically complain if you spend too much time with friends or family. This is because they are jealous and respond by being overprotective of you as well as your time. Abusers will commonly be pushy with sexual advances regardless of your resistance. The words, “If you loved me you would…” usually precede their request if they are going for the guilt jugular and they will sometimes follow with threats of having an affair if you are not willing to satisfy them.

A woman is sent on an emotional rollercoaster where one minute they are berated and walking on egg shells, watching everything they do or say out of fear of the abuser overreacting and the next minute they are the recipient of declarations of love as well as promises of change from the abuser. According to a lot of different studies, this type of behavior is an attempt to keep the woman in the relationship. Sometimes the abuser will even succeed in making the woman believe she is the reason for his erratic tantrums and verbal abuse.

dating tips for women involved in a potentially abusive relationship will usually suggest getting out as soon as possible. Chances are the abuser has some psychological issues of his own, perhaps he was brought up in an abusive household. If they are willing, counseling and therapy may be helpful in saving the relationship. In most cases, the abuser, for whatever reason, is not comfortable with the idea of getting individual help. Group therapy is another option for abusers to get help since it sometimes takes people seeing their own dysfunctional behavior in others to realize what they are actually like themselves. The same may apply to the victim as well. Many women will not even realize that they are subject to verbal and emotional abuse until reading this article.

How To Easily Get Out of An Abusive Relationship

2009-09-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

The first step in leaving an abusive relationship is identifying it.
There may be times when your partner is criticizing you about different things and you start to feel overwhelmed. You start to get the impression that he is trying to dominate you all the time, and he even tries to alienate you from your family and friends.

All these are symptoms of abusive personality and you start hating your partner and do not desire to stay with him anymore. You just feel like leaving your abusive relationship. In this case, one thing that you should always keep in mind is your safety as your partner might try to harm you as well. If you want to know how to get out of an abusive relationship then read ahead.

Leaving an abusive partner is not at all easy. You always start feeling that you are destroying your family and you are ruining the life of your children as well and at times you also feel that you are not giving your partner a second chance. You should always be very careful regarding the place where you are going to stay as that person should be trusted as well. Say you prefer to go to a friend's place which is safe enough for you then take only the things that are necessary for you like certain legal documents that are necessary for your children and you. If you have any evidence which proves that your husband is an abuser then do carry it with you. You should also carry ample amount of money and financial instruments as well. You should always make sure that you carry the contact number of few other trusted friends or relatives as you might need them at any point of time. If you want you can also carry some of your personal belongings with you to which you are deeply attached. It can be something that is gifted to you by your parents and your grandparents etc.

Leaving a relationship, even if it was an abusive one, will bring with it a lot of grief. When you feel sad, do not hesitate in crying your heart out. It might feel as if you would never stop. Every relationship has something good which you will miss. But remember that that you have to pay a high price if you want something good.

To overcome the trauma, you should not judge yourself for being sad after leaving an abusive relationship. Allow yourself to feel your sentiments completely. Take a long hot bath, take a walk, curl up in your bed and watch your favorite movie.

Get Rid Of Your Abusive Relationship Once and For All
An abusive relationship can involve physical blows or forced sexual acts. In addition, it can exist in the form of psychological abuse, damaging the self esteem or confidence of a person. Victims are often being controlled, and feel trapped in such an abusive relationship. This applies not only to women, but to men as well.

It is advisable to end an abusive relationship and move on, to avoid further destruction.
Realize that you have a choice. There are many nice singles out there, and do not waste time on a person who is unworthy of your love. You deserve to be treated well, and do not believe the threats of the abuser. Break free from such an abusive relationship, as you need to love yourself.

Do not cling on to such excuses. Think about losing your self-esteem if you continue to stay in an abusive relationship. Get support from friends and family, to stay away from such abusive relationships. If you still experience difficulty, you can seek professional help, giving you the power and ability to get over the relationship.

Treat yourself better, and do not blame yourself. Love yourself and build your self-esteem.

Long Lasting Love Relationships

2009-09-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dating and establishing love relationships can be compared to choosing a vehicle. After driving your vehicle for a couple of months, you realize that perhaps you should have purchased a larger car, or that maybe the leather seats would have been better, or on hot sunny days, the sunroof would have been nice. However, it is now too late so you choose to keep your car and accept the decision you made. It is the same for a marriage or couple relationship. Not everything will be perfect and there will be major obstacles to overcome but you have made your decision and now you choose to make it work no matter which marriage troubles you are experiencing.

Today, more than 50% of all marriages fail for one reason or another. Just thinking about that makes “commitments” and marriage vows seem scary. It seems that when relationships are faced with challenges, people quit trying. Dating is more like a marathon, trying to date as many people as possible, instead of taking time to get to know someone on a deeper level. For married couples, divorce is not biased. The fact is that relationships, whether dating or married, are hard. The “spark” has gone, leaving one or both people feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.

However, even though the odds are not very good, it has been proven by many people that healthy and long-lasting relationships are definitely possible. Look at Paul Newman and Joanne Woodard, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman, or Nancy and Ronald Regan. The answer is: work hard at the relationship. They made a decision of choosing to love their mate rather than relying on the “warm and fuzzy” feelings, which everyone knows will fade. There are hundreds of things you can do to build, strengthen, and enhance your relationship. You can find lots of relationship self help resources online. Remember, little steps taken every day will add up to big successes.

Sacred Love - Relationships that Last are Abundant in Love and Respect
A great example of this is affection. Say you want affection from your lover, and believe the only way you can be given affection is through touch. The truth is, they are giving you affection, because there are so many other ways it can arrive, but you become blinded to those other forms of affection because your ego is saying, “I want it, like this”. It’s like tunnel vision, only witnessing it in one way. So obsessed with feeding the hardened Ego what it wants, when it wants it, and in the form it wants it, that we have no appreciation for what we are given, and we start complaining.

People become as you treat them. If you are always walking around moaning that you are not getting what you want, in the form you want it, then you can be guaranteed that your partner will withdraw from you.

If you don’t appreciate what you’ve got, you lose it. By walking around complaining that something is missing, you are actually manifesting loss. People become as you treat them, and an ungrateful lover gets a depreciated love. What you don’t appreciate, depreciates.

You’ll need to prioritise love, return to that sacred moment every day, hold that absolutely beyond negotiation, this is sacred relationship. Even if the sky falls, and they leave you, if you really love them, you will let them go happily. Love has no expectations. All pain in relationship is blocked love.

There is a wonderful opportunity to bring devotion to your relationship. The real issue here is; are you prepared to make the love between you and your lover a priority in your life? That means it is more important than your work, your sport, your children and your wealth.

In the whole of the universe, every molecule has a place, a role, a gift. If you can just be thankful for what you have, for the blessing of life itself, and remind yourself of how lucky you are, then your whole life would change in just that one acknowledgement. We complain about love only because we expect more and more. But we forget how lucky we are. Once you see the gift of your life, your heart will open again, your youthfulness will shine, your energy becomes infectious, and your health takes a glowing leap. Music sounds different, and life, like a springtime flower, just opens and opens and opens. Stay humble to the gift and count your blessings.

5 Ways to Turn Up the Heat in Your Love Relationship or Marriage

2009-09-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

If you're like a lot of people in long-standing married or committed relationships, you may be secretly wishing your love relationship was as close and loving as it used to be. There's probably a lot of friendship and maybe cooperation between you but the passion has died or at least dimmed a little throughout the years.
The good news is that you can rekindle passion that has died. If you don't know where to start turning up the heat and putting more life and love back into your relationship, here are some suggestions...
1. It may be trite but so true…never go to bed angry. Of all the couples we've talked with and interviewed who have been married 30, 40, and 50 years, this is the most consistent advice they have given us.
2. Be generous with sincere compliments and thanks. Sincere compliments and thanks can uplift you and your partner-and can draw you closer. So often a compliment or a word of thanks is followed up by a complaint. If this is your habit, stop doing it.
3. There's always something new you can learn about your loved one, even if you have been together for many years.
4. Be kind to each other. We're always amazed at how many people say they love one another and they aren't very kind to each other. Being kind means using kind words and being considerate of each other. Even if you have been together a long time, treat each other as you would treat someone of immense importance to you.
5. Even if you are busy or tired, open your heart to your partner. Opening your heart means taking the time to listen and understand your partner. It means telling your partner what's important to you and not making assumptions.
Always remember that love is a choice that we open up to in every moment. You always have the choice of where you place your attention. We hope that you'll join us in choosing love more of the time.

Numerology's Love Relationship - What Kind Of Partner You Need
Want to know what kind of love relationship you need? Numerology can tell you what kind of partner you need to find happiness in life. We just need to calculate your Love Relationship number.

Calculating your Love Relationship Number
Your Love Relationship number comes from a specific branch of Numerology called Yantra or Magic Square numerology. Your Love Relationship number is found by taking your birth month number, subtracting (1), then reducing the result by fadic addition.
For example, actor Johnny Depp was born on June 9th, 1963; so his Love relationship number would be calculated as follows:
Love Relationship number = (Birth Month - 1) = (6 - 1) = (5)
The Love Relationship number values and their meanings are listed below.
Love Relationship (0)
You like them well enough, but you don't have any need for a special type of partner. You are happy with whatever comes to you.
Love Relationship (1)
You will have one major love relationship which grows and develops over time. You may tend to be self-centered in your relationships; however you can probably find a partner who loves you in spite of this.
Love Relationship (2)
You are a very supportive partner. You are also able to detect when your partner is worried, or something is wrong in your relationship.
Love Relationship (3)
You need a partner who likes conversation and plenty of entertainment. You are a bit of a flirt at times, but your partner needn't worry; this is mostly for show and not a serious threat to your relationship.
Love Relationship (4)
You are an affectionate partner. You work hard at your relationships, and care deeply for the ones you love. You are always faithful, and a good provider for your love partners; but not particularly passionate. You need a partner who appreciates you for who you are.
Love Relationship (5)
You need a partner who gives you lots of personal space. You are an excellent partner and a passionate lover so long as you don't feel trapped and bound by your relationship.
Love Relationship (6)
You need a partner who gives you a good, strong relationship; full of love and affection. You feel incomplete outside of a relationship, and will seek to create a new one if your previous one fails. You are very caring and need friends and loved ones around you to accept your love.
Love Relationship (7)
You need a partner who gives you time to be alone with your thoughts. You are a thoughtful lover, always thinking of your partner and acting to show your affection. However, you have trouble expressing your love in words, either written or spoken. Love literally puts binders on your tong.
Love Relationship (8)
You need a partner who helps you do well financially in order to be happy. You might form a successful business with your partner, or marry into wealth.
Love Relationship (9)
You are inclined to fall in love easily, sometimes with the wrong partners. You like surprising your partner with small gifts as token of your affection. You need to be careful in choosing a partner, and not rush in to a relationship. With the right partner, your relationship will grow very strong indeed.
Love Relationship (11)
You need a strong and supportive partner in order to be happy.

8 Ways to Improve Your Long Distance Relationship

2009-09-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Couples in love may often find themselves having to live apart for a period of time throughout their relationship due to job commitment, studies, military obligation and etc. This has made us wonder whether a relationship can survive the physical distance. Surviving a long distance relationship is not about promises or luck but it is very much dependent on how you think, act, manage and most importantly, how you want the outcome to be. Below are the ways you can use to survive and improve your distance relationship in summary.
1) Do not believe all the myths that you have heard about Long Distance Relationship before checking it out yourself. Get support from someone who really can understand you and your distance relationship.

2) Be prepared to manage your own emotion throughout the durations of your distance relationship with your partner. List out the potential emotional stress that you will be facing and discuss it with your partner. Find books or resources that can help you to manage your emotions in relation to Long Distance Relationship.

3) Cultivate the 7 most essential elements that are required to make your distance relationship work,
i) Plan and set reasonable objectives
ii) Learn to trust your partner unconditionally
iii) Prepare a statement of commitment
iv) Learn to respect your distance partner
v) Dedicate sometime to understand your partner despite the distance
vi) Be patience to unforeseen circumstances in your distance relationship
vii) Learn to give undivided attention to your distance partner.

4) Cut down your telecommunication fees or cost by sourcing for cheap alternative to telephone calls. Emails, messaging service or Internet (and much more) can be the good alternatives to expensive long distance calls if you know how to use them effectively.

5) Learn to communicate effectively over the media as mentioned above. The skill is necessary as you will be communicating with your distance partner without any clue from his or her body language.

6) In long distance relationship, it is possible to grow together while living apart.
i) Never let the distance be a physical barrier to do what a normal couple will do in a relationship.
ii) Distance should not hinder a distance couples from growing together in emotion.
iii) Be proud of your relationship and most of all
iv) Accept the fact the distance is temporary and view it from the positive mindset.

7) As a human, we are not perfect in everything, therefore, you must learn from your own mistake throughout the course of your long distance relationship. You can also find resources or helps from people who has experience the relationship and learn from them.

8) Make preparation for the homecoming of your distance lover and look forward to bring your relationship to a higher level. The anticipation will definitely help both the distance partner to pull through.

Long Distance Relationship - Advice on Dos and Don'ts
Throughout our experience working with long distance relationship couples, we had discovered that there are lots of thing that we must do and as well as refrain from doing in order to survive the relationship. It is your desire to survive the relationship that makes the most impact in writing the outcome of your distance relationship.

Do’s
1) Establish an effective communication channel
The very first thing that you must do in a long distance relationship is to establish an effective communication channel. Instant messenger, emails, VOIP phone and conventional mails can be very effective if you know how to use them. Each of the communication channels has its own advantages and disadvantages and therefore you must start to explore each of them to enhance your communication experience.

2) Plan to meet each other
There is nothing more important than planning to meet each other again at an interval of time throughout the period of your long distance relationship.

3) Build hobby that you can both share
By building and keeping a hobby, both of you will have something to discuss and work on throughout your distance relationship. Finding something to do online can be quite interesting judging from its speed and reach ability but never leave out conventional hobby as well because you do not need to have your partner’s physical present to share a hobby.

4) Surprise your partner
Occasionally surprise you partner with cards, gifts, letter and flower out of their expectation apart from your normal correspondence. Put your imagination to use and your partner will be sure to love your effort in keeping them happy. Sending the unexpected gifts to your partner will always spice up your distance relationship regardless how far your partner may be.

5) Capture and share that interesting moment
Throughout the period of your LDR, you can always capture some interesting moment of yours by exchanging photos, video clips and as well as audio recording. This will indirectly keep your partner informed on what has happen in your life despite the physical distance.

Don’ts
1) Settle for a temporary replacement
One of the mistakes that a distance relationship couple often make is to settle for a temporary replacement when their partner is not physical around. By letting a third party into your life, you will not only put your distance relationship to risk but you will also break the mutual trust and agreement that you make. Although it may not be done intentionally but this type of mistake will be very costly to your long distance relationship.

2) Take the relationship lightly
The absence of your partner does not give you the license to dictate and manipulate the relationship. You must remember that, your partner has their own right to participate in any decision making toward the well being of your relationship regardless where there are. A long distance relationship is also as important as a normal relationship and your partner has their own right to be treated fairly.

3) Wait and see attitude
Most of the failures in distance relationship that we observed are contributed by the wait and see attitude of the couples themselves. Let me tell you this, if you plan to have this kind of attitude, refrain from walking into one at the first place because both you and your partner will suffer in the relationship. In a LDR, both partners must be committed and proactive in bringing the relationship to a higher level.

4) Suspicion
There are no rooms for suspicion in a long distance relationship. In order for you to survive your distance relationship, you must learn to trust your partner whole heartedly. A single suspicion will break the bond you have for each other and it is a beginning of the end if you start to suspect your partner at any point of your LDR.

5) Succumb to negative comment on LDR
Couples in distance relationship always make a mistake by believing that LDR do not work. The negative impression you have in LDR will eventually hunt you down and destroy your relationship if you choose to listen to the negative comment. Therefore, once you have decided to enter into a long distance relationship, you must learn to believe that your relationship will work.

The Endless World of Relationship Advice

2009-09-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

A lot of folks feel insecure about their relationships and from time to time, they need to get help for their relationship woes.
Advices on relationships are no longer limited to family and friends because there are many different sources for them these days. Relationship advice can now be found in magazine columns, radio shows, posts on the Internet, and in many other places.

However, all relationship advice are not good, even if there are more sources than ever. The more experts there are on love advice, the lower the quality of it in general. The point is that you have to choose the advice for your relationship carefully. It matters little whether the relationship advice they give even works in the long run for these so-called experts. The people they give dating advice to will not likely be on their shows again. Even if they will be, they will only be on television when the relationship advice succeeds. This means that the viewer cannot really determine whether the experts give sound advice or not.

Advice on relationship that is available on the web is even trickier. This is because the services offering free relationship advice may have some other agenda. It may be a religious agenda, such as spreading conservative Christianity. It may also be to sell something, such as a self-help book, subscription to some mailing list, or psychological services.
It can be hard to see the point of all of this relationship advice. If you have dating friends, then you can just get advice from them.

Follow This Relationship Advice To Find Happiness Together
Love is in the air when it comes to programming on television, articles in the magazines that we read, and the radio shows that we listen to; it seems that everywhere we turn talk is focused on ill-fated couples and the secrets to make a relationship last. First and foremost, as any happy couple will tell you, communication is the key to success in a relationship. That is why – as is so often the case – relationship advice will focus on the best ways to communicate with each other. So many times, couples come into a relationship with a whole set of baggage brought from their upbringing as children or from previous relationships. Many couples will often turn to professional counseling in order to follow this relationship advice; learning how to redefine communication and meet each other’s needs so that each person feels respected and heard.

As trust is also such an essential ingredient in happy partnerships, you will often hear relationship advice focused on blazing new trails of trust in your relationship. Even if there has been no infidelity in your own relationship, some partners will bring past betrayals with them into this new environment. Or perhaps, a lack of trust has more to do with a partner’s own insecurity than the trustworthiness of their partner. In any case, a lack of trust almost always spells disaster to a relationship. It is essential, therefore, to follow this relationship advice to find mutual trust and respect in your partnership – such respect and trust will invariably pay off in security and happiness.

In terms of relationship advice, experts also agree that time spent with each other equates to unbreakable bonds of friendship. And therein lays the secret to a great relationship – friendship. Physical intimacy is great and an important component in any relationship but without friendship – deep and abiding friendship – the relationship will most likely not survive. Relationship advice can be found on practically every corner.

Family Relationships Under Fire

2009-09-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

Lessons from the Front Line
I sat glued to the news conference as three wounded soldiers – Marine Lance Corporal Joshua Menard, Army Staff Sergeant James Villafane, and Army Sergeant Charles Horgan - recounted their experiences of coming under fire from Iraqi troops in civilian dress at the city of Nassiriya. Villafane and Horgan told about being struck by an incoming missile.
As I watched, I, too, was struck…by the similarities between their experiences on the battlefield and those of stressed-out families, “under fire.” Listen and learn from their experiences.
Lesson 1: DON’T BE CAUGHT OFF-GUARD; PREPARE.
Menard said, “We were very surprised. Realistically anticipate and prepare for the inevitable challenges your family will face. “Prepare for the worst,” while guarding the positive attitudes that “create the best.”

Lesson 2: YOUR GOOD INTENTIONS CAN BE MISUNDERSTOOD.
Villafane commented, “The amount of resistance, some of it I don’t understand. We try to treat them fairly.”
Parents, it takes courage to make wise, yet unpopular decisions.
On the other hand, “meaning well” can’t substitute for “doing well.”

Lesson 3: DON’T MAKE MISTAKES ABOUT WHO YOUR ENEMY IS.
A group of Iraqi soldiers dressed in the civilian robes of nomad Bedoins opened fire on Menard as he and six other Marines approached them on a bridge in Nassiriya. Military enemies, pretending to be harmless.
Even more appalling was the account of the American soldier who allegedly threw the grenade that killed and injured people in his own troop. Yet, we’ve lost our sensitivity to the shock of similar assaults in our own families…daily “grenades” of hurtful words and destructive actions.
“Out there”, there are so many enemies to the wellbeing of family members. How can we hope to combat those if we spend our time fighting within our own ranks? What can you do today to mend family rifts?

Lesson 4: DON’T PANIC WHEN TROUBLES COME.
Sergeant Horgan told about how he worked to stay calm, though he had just been wounded by the enemy missile. When you are faced with an unexpected and distressing challenge in your family, don’t panic, reacting impulsively. Seek help if necessary.
Stop…think…plan…then act.

Lesson 5: PROTECT YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, NOT JUST YOURSELF.
The way these well-trained, courageous soldiers behaved under fire is, to me, the greatest of our lessons in family teamwork. Listen in, and examine your own habits and actions.
Horgan, whose right leg and foot were ripped open when he was blown from his gunning position, described his thoughts when he saw the incoming missile: “Oh, my God, I’m gonna die. I gotta warn my buddies.”

Villafane quipped, “It’s not being shot at that so bad. It’s being shot that really sucks!” Despite the horror of what they had experienced, the three wounded men all said they felt a sense of guilt about leaving friends behind in Iraq. Horgan told reporters, “I’m relieved that I’m out… My friends protected me when I needed them. I joined to serve my country. But when I was there, I was fighting to protect my friends.

Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkIt’s natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners (assuming that the relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). Just because the romantic and/or sexual aspects of the relationship have ended, why shouldn’t we include our former partners in our lives in other roles? If we have mutual friends, or shared custody of children, we will be spending time with our former partners whether we want to or not. Since we had a positive connection with them on so many levels, it should be easy to simply become friends, right? In many ways, we demand more of our friends than we do of our romantic partners.

Once we’ve made a commitment to our romantic partner, we have certain obligations and duties. We’re expected to support our partners in both pleasant and unpleasant circumstances. Our friends have no such obligations to us. On the other hand, our friends do have to earn the right to be in our lives by supporting us voluntarily. Interested though our former partners may be in staying friends, they may not live up to our standards.

Letting go of our old habits and expectations about our former partners takes time. We need distance and perspective so that we can evaluate what kind of relationship we actually have with them.I have a client, who we’ll call Alice. Alice has been married three times. Her second husband, Jim, had two sons, whom she raised, and remained close to even after she ended the relationship with their father. Her third husband, Mike, also had a relationship with her stepsons. In many ways Mike became a surrogate father to them. Alice is still very friendly with Mike and his new wife, and socializes with them whenever they’re in town.

Alice recently lost both her mother and a very close friend, both of whom Mike knew well. Alice was somewhat disgruntled that Mike did not make any offers of support to help her through her grieving process. I helped Alice to untangle this group of extended family relationships bit by bit. Alice was their stepmother; Mike was only their stepmother’s husband. As their former
stepmother, Alice’s continued relationship with her stepsons is reasonable. While married to Mike, it was appropriate for her to foster a connection between him and her stepsons. However the entire basis of that connection is their shared relationship to her. Both of her stepsons are adults now, and both are married. It’s a safe bet that they know how to pick up the phone and initiate contact with Mike if they want to maintain a relationship with him on their own.

Next, we looked at Alice’s relationship with Mike. Had her mother and friend passed away while she was still married to Mike, she would have been entitled to expect him to provide emotional support to help her through the grieving process. However, now that she’s no longer married to him (and he’s married to someone else), she’s not entitled to expect emotional support from him. Alice needed to adjust her checklists and her expectations in the relationship. She realized that she could no longer relate to Mike as a romantic partner, or even as someone with whom she shares a committed relationship. Ultimately, she recognized that while she can still maintain a cordial relationship with Mike, he doesn’t meet the criteria she sets for her friends.

Relationships - 9 Never-Changing Rules

2009-08-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

In a relationship, your ability to understand and respond to the other person's needs and desires are fundamental. Understanding the nature of relationships themselves may be as important to your success in love as understanding the person with whom you're having the relationship.

The key to a working relationship is twofold. First you need to work on a relationship day in and day out. Second you need the right information to pinpoint where the relationship needs work. Without this information you’re simply assuming and assumptions are the enemy to any healthy relationship.

From puppy love to winter romances, the following is true of all relationships
1. Relationships Don't Just Happen
2. Relationships are Need-based.
Everyone has their own personal needs and desires; your job is to figure out those needs since some may be unexpressed verbally.
3. Relationships Don't Hold a Grudge
Despite the use of terms like "perfect match," and "perfect couple," the idea of a perfect relationship is perfectly ridiculous. We all make mistakes dealing with other people, so it's important to be overlooked and/or forgive imperfections in others in order to build strong relationships.
4. Relationships That Endure Take Time
Relationships are formed with long-term goals in mind. This means that deep relationships will evolve slowly because the stakes -- a life partner -- are so great.
5. Relationships are As Unique as the Folks That Are In 'Em.
No two people are the same and so no two relationships are the same. Your relationships will deepen and strengthen, if you can accept the uniqueness of others as a precious gift.
6. Relationships Build You Up.
"My partner brings out the best in me," is the way most people define the partner that they love. Relationships are built on encouragement, so always try to make your partner feel good, even if you're urging them beyond their comfort zone to a new level of intimacy.
7. Relationships Are Essential.
It may be a dog eat dog world out there, but man is still a "pack animal," looking for positive healthy relationships.
8. Relationships Are For Two.
There is no such thing as a one-person relationship.
9. Relationships are Greater Than the Sum of Their Parts.
In good relationships there is energy -- your energy and your partners. This energy pushes each of you to strive to make the relationship work as individuals, and it also drives you to a shared excellence.

Armed with these rules you should be able to create and maintain a healthy relationship. Just because you live and breathe these rules doesn’t mean that your relationship will be better or a broken relationship will be fixed. Unfortunately a small article can’t do justice on the wide spectrum of creating and maintaining a working relationship. You will get the complete picture and step by step explanations in Race Kale’s new book “The Power of Charisma”.

The Importance Of Having Dynamic Relationships In The Workplace
Today’s competitive workplace is often filled with noisy disputes and legal actions, which sap the precious resources of time and capital from an organization. Since our professional connections often are forced by time and circumstance to be our social connections as well, it is important for organizations to facilitate dynamic relationships in the workplace.

Change is needed in the American workplace. The organizations that promote an environment where employees and management develop good working relationships will be the winners.
Many of the same dynamics and difficulties exist for relationships in the workplace as do for those outside the workplace. One of the greatest losses to an organization is having no real, satisfying relationships in the workplace. Successful organizations are the ones that create an environment that encourages people to create relationships, that encourages people to be their creative, whole selves.

Having a good working relationship with a coworker means trust, and trust assumes that the other person is going to come through for you. In my years of consulting with organizations of all sizes and types, I have found that the stories about relationships turning disastrous in the workplace are all premised on a competitive environment. That must change if your organization is going to be successful. The workplace should be about working together, about partnership. If an employee knows something of value that could help everyone, but doesn’t share that information because of competition, everyone loses.

The decision to explore or eschew good working relationships should not be put solely on the shoulders of each individual employee. Much of the responsibility falls on management, which must strive to make the workplace one in which supportive, non-competitive relationships can flourish.

Employees should never be pitted against one another. The emphasis should be on cohesion and the common good, with group goals and teamwork focus.
While it is managements duty to facilitate dynamic relationships in the workplace, the individual employee still has responsibilities as well. Whether working in an environment in which competition is encouraged or defused, there are certain, specific steps an individual can take to make sure good working relationships survive at work:
* Talk about things that are upsetting you in your work relationship.
* Assume that maintaining a good working relationship is as important as, if not more important than, anything happening at work.

If managers and their employees all conscientiously attempt to keep the work environment clear of competition, then many potentially damaging relationship complications and crises will be more easily handled, doing much less ultimate harm to all those involved than they might otherwise do.

Quality relationships are what produce quality products and services. Real productivity begins with employees who are nourished by caring, encouraging coworkers and supervisors. While caring about an employee’s emotional well-being and the healthiness of his or her relationships may not be part of anyone’s “official” job description, it is a genuine key to creating quality products and services.

It’s incumbent upon senior management in particular to wholeheartedly support personal growth in individuals further down the employment ladder; otherwise, an environment will persist in which growth cannot and will not take place. However, the responsibility to create a supportive environment involves all employees. When it comes to understanding emotions and relationships, there are no status levels.

The workplace can often be a very angry place, and the relationships there can be irreparably harmed by anger and mistrust. In fact when it comes to relationships among colleagues anger and mistrust often arise out of issues in the work relationship. A successful organization is one that faces these issues head-on, that discusses them openly and encourages good working relationships, caring, and trust.

The secret to healing in the workplace is to get people talking, a process not nearly as elementary as it might sound. Employees do not always want to talk about work. When people reveal themselves to coworkers, when they openly discuss their feelings with honesty and compassion, when they are truly understood as individuals, the stage is set for meaningful workplace relationships between people who are real, and not just figures hurrying down a hall or across a plant floor. This, in turn, feeds and facilitates the more impersonal, yet worthy and essential goals of an organization: quality, productivity, and the bottom line.

For the most part management doesn’t have to do anything extraordinary for a relationship-supportive environment to exist. If an organization offers fair compensation, has an equitable system of promotion in place, and rewards work done on its merit, the relationships in the workplace will take care of themselves. Business is 90 percent relationships. For example, managers should know not to become great drinking buddies with the people they supervise. Maintain a positive relationship that doesn’t impose on you, the other person, or the work to be done. Cultivating relationships in the workplace ultimately comes down to the individual employees. An organization can and should try to facilitate relationships in the workplace but it comes down to individual styles or individual needs as human beings. Because of the type of organization and the diversity of the workplace it will vary from workplace to workplace, manger to manager, and friend to friend.

7 Myths About Creating a Better Relationship

2009-08-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.
Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship.

Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner
Reality Check 1
You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.
Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use.

Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner
Reality Check 2
You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

Myth 3 I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship
Reality Check 3
Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.
When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour
Reality Check 4
Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship. You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship
Reality Check 5
In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.
Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream. Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.

Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling
Reality Check 6
Love is the action of doing.
If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship
Reality Check 7
As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.
In summary:
1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your partner's true essence.
2. A better relationship requires some variety.
3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.
4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.
5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.
6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.
7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.

Relationship: Ten Strategies to Improve Your Relationship
Relationship Strategy No.1: Appreciate your Partners Differences
• Due to your upbringing, family background, cultural heritage and psychological makeup, you and your partner approach life from completely different perspectives.
• By accepting that fact, you can begin to appreciate the value that your partner brings to the relationship. A balanced relationship requires Ying and Yang, the male and the female to flourish. Differing viewpoints make for a rich and rewarding relationship.

Relationship Strategy No.2: Understand the Nature of Love
• Has the hot, heady romantic passion subsided in your relationship? Has the infatuation faded? Good! You have moved past the first flush of romantic love where your feelings are in a constant flutter and your emotions are running high.
• Now you can develop a more mature and realistic approach to your relationship. Work, family, children, friends, as well as your relationship, are all part of a much bigger picture. This is the natural progression and does not mean that you are no longer in love.

Relationship Strategy No.3: Accept Your Partners Values and Beliefs
• If you can accept that your partner has a different opinion to yours, then you can agree to disagree. This need not impact on your emotional agreement. You can still love your partner even if you don't agree with their opinion.

Relationship Strategy No.4: Accept that you and your partner have conflicting interests
• You like may like pop music, your partner may like soul music. You like football, your partner prefers tennis. You like drama, your partner prefers comedies. You like X, your partner prefers Y.
• If you experience conflict and stress as a result of engaging in activities that you don't really like, then you should consider giving them up.

Relationship Strategy No.5: Learn How to Argue Constructively
• Disagreements arise in every relationship. This need not be a problem.
• Do not verbally attack your partner personally.
• Ask for time to calm down if you are emotionally upset.
• Don't put your entire relationship on the line for the sake of winning an argument.
• Try to achieve emotional balance after expressing your opinion.

Relationship Strategy No.6: Learn to Control Your Feelings
• Avoid attacks on the self worth of your partner during arguments.

Relationship Strategy No.7: Remember to Maintain an Intimate Relationship
• It is so easy to drift into lazy habits. Watching T.V. late into the night so that you are too tired for intimacy. Overeating or over drinking so that you are incapable of quality time together. Recapture some of the romance of courtship with flowers, candlelight and dinners for two. Rekindle the flame of sexual desire by taking the time to be intimate. Maintain the physical comfort of touching, caressing and holding hands.

Relationship Strategy No.8: Accept your Partners Weaknesses
• Your partner may be less than perfect but then so are you. Accept your partner's weaknesses. Focus on your partner's strengths. Providing your partner's behaviour is not abusive or destructive then you can learn to overlook it and learn to compensate for them.

Relationship Strategy No.9: Accept the Unique Qualities of your Relationship
• Every relationship is different. What you accept in your relationship others may think is objectionable. Just be yourselves and find your own level of acceptable behaviour within your relationship. Do not allow yourselves to be judged by anyone else's so-called standards of acceptable behaviour.
• Everyone expresses love in their own unique way. The underlying feelings are genuine and real, however they are expressed.

Relationship Strategy No.10: Accept Responsibility for the Relationship
• If you want the relationship to change then start by changing your own behaviour or attitudes.
• You cannot expect your partner to change just because you are unhappy about their behaviour or their attitudes.
• Accept the responsibility of changing your own approach, use new techniques, adopt new strategies.